The Football Fan’s Diet

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Hey, you know what, I had two days where I met my DGO and my weight is slowly creeping back down. I am still fired up that my “leveling up” bull shit, seemed to be just that. However, what is not to say that this is the start of new way I can maintain.

I suppose if I can find a way to survive these past January days – I can actually do this diet. I mean I couldn’t even back the Jeep Liberty out of the sloped driveway today, even though I salted it last night. It was a sheet of ice. Everybody in Pittsburgh, if they were smart or had the luxury to not have to go work, stayed in yesterday. School was canceled. Everybody in our household was home.
I still had a lot of work to do. You see there is this massive grant thing going on at Carnegie Mellon, which is now eating up a lot of my time. Plus, I got the local magistrate’s web page to finish. I’ll post a link when I do.

So, here in eh throes of an ice storm, perhaps I found a way to hang on. Forget about losing weight. Forget about wanting it all by next weekend. This season is going to be a long haul. I have to keep telling myself that.

Right now this week is close, although I can almost guarantee I will give up a TD and FG on the Super Bowl. We’ll See. Maybe I will surprise myself. Anyway, I got a lot of work to do. If I forget I am even doing this thing, maybe that will be the best treat. Now, how many calories does shoveling snow for a hour burn?

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – What a roller coaster ride the past week. I had an incredible Friday, which if you read my previous week’s posting, involved hitting the gym during happy hour versus going to happy hour and hitting the bar — and then hitting some poor chap for thinking the Steelers will not clip some Cardinal wings this coming Super Bowl weekend. Yes it is time to haze the aviary!

Nonetheless, a bad streak is upon me. The hardest thing about changing one’s lifestyle is the rebound.

You have to learn to forgive yourself for failure and sometimes that is very difficult to do. I know it is for me.

I have made an association, for better or worse, that it all starts with health. That is if I want to truly live an extraordinary life, I need to be healthy. That would seem to make sense – right? After all, you need energy to do stuff in this world.

In my opinion, if you want to be successful, you need energy more than you need money.

So, having made this association, then it is painful when one fails because one sees much more than the failure of one day but rather sees one’s life as a series of shortcomings multiplied out by all the things that won’t happen because of a lack of energy. So you beat yourself up over it and don’t give yourself a break. This may be a totally false association.

After all, there are probably a lot of successful fat guys and gals out there right? For instance John Candy, Chris Farely and John Belusi come to mind. Hmm.

Still, there is no arguing that being healthy provides you with the fuel to succeed in life. If you are overweight, you have less of it. There is no getting around that (just as there is probably no getting around you). So it makes sense to be healthy. But, I am waxing far too philosophic I suppose. Regardless, that is where I am on this Tuesday.

Monday was perhaps one of my worst days yet. Well, I think it was my worst. I was starving for something but was it food? I only had a damn Fiber Now bar or whatever is the knock-off version of Fiber One that is packed with saw dust and hawked at Aldi’s. In fact, I was busy all day at my Carnegie Mellon Office and ate very little food. Then, come evening my health plans collapsed on a Ponzi scheme of slowly built delayed inhibition.

This Monday I found myself feeling vulnerable on some philosophic level, wondering if the trajectory of my life, was taking me where I thought it needed to go. On some other mental plane, I knew it was irrational to think that my zigzagging, meandering career choices were the mark of one who has no plan, no real direction in life, no concrete goals, no easy place to fit in. Is it too much to ask that some magical mentor materialize and take me under their wing, after realizing the brilliance of this astute pupil, who, by the grace of the Almighty, fell into the lap of the lucky diamond searcher. Is that too much to ask? I have no idea what the hell I am rambling about right now. You are probably more stupid for having just read that last paragraph and for that I apologize. My objective is not too make your more stupid, which might be an impossible task anyway.

But, today is a new day and I am going to stay positive. I have to realize that just as Friday was one of my best days, which was soon followed by a string of losses, then the converse is just as likely: one of my worst days can usher in a string of victories. I hope that is not loser’s logic.

I do plan on making an adjustment. I realize that I don’t need to drop all the weight immediately. Perhaps I have been too ambitious, which is why I have great days and then days where I say “Screw it, pass the beer, pass the beer nuts!”

Again, the word that creeps to mind is healthy sustainability. I want everyday to stay within the parameters of being healthy. So, I am considering making my Daily Game Day Objective a little easier. The problem with this theory is one of statistical observation: Having reviewed my past month’s food log on The Daily Plate (a great web site if you ask me), and analyzing my caloric intake on days where I have failed, I noticed that even making my Game Day Objective a bit easier to achieve would have done nothing on the days I failed. The short of it is when I fail, I fail big time. An extra 100 calories really is not going to help in that regards.

So what would be the benefit of making a Game Day Objective a little easier to obtain then? It surely would not be to magically convert one of my disastrous failures into a win. Rather, my thought is that by making it a bit easier, then I will be less prone to failing off the health wagon. Perhaps my current DGO is building up this sense of deprivation and each day I am only delaying the inevitable binge.

Hmm. What the hell. It is Preseason. I will adjust it up and see what happens. We’ll see what the coach says next week.

If you can relate to anything I just touched upon, you have an empathetic football friend over here in Pittsburgh, though you too probably have some deep rooted issues beyond the scope of The FFD. So what can we do in the end, to get off this roller coaster?

I wish I could say I have the answer to question, but I don’t. I can only keep trying and not give up, which is the the best thing you can do as well. Keep going. I am reminded of the immortal Milner, who imagined Columbus plying the seas with a first mate who doubted the sun would rise. Columbus’ answer to the blanched mate: “Sail on. Sail on. Sail on….”

Now, the next time I wax philosophic and poetic in an article pertaining to loosing weight and football, please, please punt me frontal while I hold the two-point stance.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – It was the best of times it was the worst of times. Okay, I should say we got our Dickens knocked in the dirt on Saturday. However, Friday was a different tale. In fact, on Friday Madame Defarge would be holding our Dickens up as a paragon – perhaps the greatest erection to be seen save the Eifel tower! Rim shot please. That my fine friends, should placate some of you English grads out there who actually have a sense of humor—and like football. Is that even possible?

Friday was very interesting. Wait! What the hell did I do Friday? Oh, I know. Instead of my usual happy hour attendance at a local dive, I decided to take the high road, well, the elliptical stepper high road. Yes, I went to the gym on a Friday evening then came home and read stories to my daughter. I did have a glass—make that two glasses of wine—that evening, but all in all it was a very healthy Friday night.

The problem was Saturday. I was frustrated and irritable as all hell because I think I am noticing something, which I should probably adjust: I am too damn healthy for days on end, to the point I am irritable like a Pope on free porn night (I really have no idea what I mean by that). Frankly, I just need some plain old good grub to get me by on these days. I may also be frustrated that since I am living the healthy life, I should wake up and all this blubbers and guts should be gone? Alas, it will take hard work to get to where we want to be, which is celebrating a Super Bowl Victory, both on The FFD and, with much hope, The Steelers Super Bowl victory of the Cardinals. A Tale of Two Super Bowls? However, before we start polishing each other’s Lombardi trophies, let’s talk a little bit about how I screwed up on Saturday.

My wife took our daughter to a friend’s Build-A-Bear party at Ross Park Mall, which is now home to all sorts of exclusives shops and services in this area. Anyhow, I was really on my nerves the whole day. Even though I woke up at my low point weight wise for the Season, I was like a grumpy grizzly bear. I was sick of my super low-carb outlook. I felt like I needed a burger.

So I was finally placated when we made a family pit stop on the way back from picking up the tribe at the Build-A-Bear party. Where did we go? Nothing says greasy grille food quite like Denny’s. So, we made a pit stop and there I ordered a Western Burger with fries. Now, my Western Burger was not complete. Even though it had onion rings on it, I ordered a onions rings as an appetizer too. Not only this, I sampled the dishes my wife and daughter were enjoying. Man, failing on The FFD never felt so good!

Not too get to far from the topic, but if there is a Western Burger at Denny’s, how come there is no other types of geospatial-oriented Burgers. Couldn’t they create a Middle Eastern Burger and serve burger with a napkin covering the top bun and all?

It seems to me that the Denny’s marketers fell asleep on that one. We could literally have all sorts of Burgers. Heck, if they serve you a cold one they could call it the Arctic Burger. They could say “We’re sorry, we thought you ordered the Arctic Burger.”

Another thing that really makes me wonder is the new Denny’s promo for their late night offerings. A sign proclaims “Who says good things don’t happen after Midnight?” or something to that effect. When I was in high school and in college, I would have to say hardly anything good happens at Denny’s after midnight. Usually, there are drunken brawls, of which I have been in one or two (now we are talking a long time ago), swearing, people shoving their pie holes with loads of unhealthy entrées all because the cheap bar they had been drinking at the whole night didn’t offer anything more than potato chips, popcorn and beer nuts. Alas, Denny’s after midnight may not be a magnet for all-good-things-nocturnal but it is a twenty-something right of passage. I should I lost that fight by the way.

So here I am now. It is Sunday morning. The Scale laughed at me. However, on the whole I am down for the week. All in all, it will be a victory no matter what happens on Sunday, which is today. Considering how I fare last week, I am very happy about where I am now. I may alter my plan a little bit.

I may shoot for more variety in my food selections and take the longer term approach to The FFD. I want to get into a rhythm that is permanent, not one in which I go well for a few days, but then turn into a mean old grizzly bear. Towards those ends, I may adjust upward my Daily Game Day Object, at least calorie wise. The idea is that staying under a little high caloric level might erase the crabbiness and promote sustainable every day healthy living. I have to remember, Rome wasn’t built in a Day and this Body by Bud wasn’t either. It will take some dome to undo what my mouth has done. So, the fine tuning continues on The FFD.

In Preseason, fine tuning our lifestyle the whole point and one key advantage to this part of the season: we can adjust and make changes to get us to where we need to be. Next week, I would like my H1 Header posting to read “A Tale of kicking ass every day.” Now have some fun with your own dieting French revolution—or should I say, French Toast Revolution!

By Nicole Sebula
For The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Hello there fellow FFD readers.  How about those playoff games?  I really thought Philadelphia was going to pull it off at the end there when they scored two touchdowns in the matter of minutes.  It would have been great to see an interstate Super Bowl.  But I digress, Arizona and THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS (is it obvious that I am a Steelers fan?) are going to Tampa for the big game.  Although, if you think about it, two of the Arizona Cards coaches are former Steelers’ coaches, one Card player was a Pitt footballer, and I believe there is at least one more fellow on the team that went to high school in Pittsburgh.

Now for the past two playoff games I have given tailgating and home snacks that were moderately healthy.  I am a firm believer that everything in moderation is good (when it comes to food).  If you deprive yourself of something, you will just want it that much more and end up binging.  No one wants that.  I think the Super Bowl is a good day to take off from the healthy and go a little to the ‘dark side’. 

Pittsburgh is a great city for a variety of meals… Here are a few of my suggestions for your Super Bowl party (If your not lucky enough to be heading south to Tampa, that is). 

Primanti Brothers Restaurant is one of the first things everyone seems to think when they think Pittsburgh.  And while their sandwiches not the most figure friendly, they do have vegetables on them, so how bad can they be, right?!  Get a few sandwiches for take out and add them to your spread.

Another item, that is relatively easy is the Pierogi.  Who doesn’t like dough filled with potato (or any of the other yummy fillings) smothered in butter and onions or deep fry them and throw a little bays seasoning on them with a little sour cream on top.  Granted, again not the most figure friendly of foods but the Super Bowl only comes around once a year. 

Another easy one, Islay’s chipped ham bar-b-q’s.  This one can just be thrown into a crock pot and left to cook itself.  Simple ingredients too, chipped ham, Islay’s sells ham bar-b-q sauce available at the grocery store, and some buns.  If you want your sauce a little hotter or sweeter you can add brown sugar, hot sauce or vinegar to appease your taste buds.

Enough food for now, you will need something thirst quenching to wash it down with… Pittsburgh also offers a wide variety of beers.  Iron City is a popular and cost efficient beer for large gatherings.  There is also Penn Pilsner (which is one of my favorites) which is a little more expensive but it is a good quality beer. 

Whatever you decide, I hope these suggestions are helpful in your planning. Now go enjoy the big game, scream at the television when a bad call is made, and don’t worry about one night of fatty foods, tomorrow back to healthy.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – The past couple days have been really good and I have slowly recovered from the tailspin begun last Thursday, when I was rudely “Fat-jacked” by Polish cookies. It surely was not easy. However, I really believed I “leveled-up” to borrow a “gamer” term.

This means I feel I went around and picked all the “low-hanging fruit,” to pilfer yet another term that seems to occur mostly in computational scientific papers and which vaguely annoys me for some reason. Now, I will try not to fly off on a wild tangent, but doesn’t “Low-Hanging Fruit” sound like a good porn moniker?

Anyway, what does “leveling-up” mean for me?

It means I feel I fully recovered from last week’s unhealthy marathon but more importantly I feel like my gelatinous body has made a lasting metabolic adjustment. It seems to acknowledge that this new weight bracket, which is in a new 10 lb range, is something it can get comfortable with. It feels permanent whereas a week or so ago when I hit the low weight I had to struggle to do so. Now that I am back, I think my body gave up fighting me on this and said, “Okay, you fat pile of blubber and guts, let’s gown down ten and stay there…” To me, leveling-up, is when you feel the new weight is permanent. Still, I got more levels to go.

I suppose the true test will be when I no longer hit the upper 10 lb. bracket. Don’t you just love how I don’t specify exactly what numbers are in those brackets? The reason is the numbers are not important. The numbers are relative. For now, though, I feel better. That is what is important.

I am determined to hold onto the new level I attained. Towards those ends, being it is Thursday and last Thursday really jacked me up, I am in position to score well today. I want to really put the beat-down on my Fat Matt in that regards.

I have this new short term goal of tasting the next level, which is basically another 10 lb. bracket, by The Super Bowl. Yes, I know what you are thinking: this posting is curiously devoid of Super Bowl hoopla especially considering that my beloved Steelers are in it. Don’t worry we have time.

Now, to allude to the rest of the title of this posting: I should say that in light of the historic and elegant inauguration of our new President and having proclaimed myself to be “Damn proud to be an American” on my Facebook status, I saw an online article about what great shape Barrack Obama is in. It was either in Men’s Health or some GQ site or something. The freaking guy was in Hawaii not so long ago and he clearly got the six-pack going. This prompted me to assess my own physical stature and it was then I realized that this President could really beat the living tar out of me if it ever came down to it. Now, if that is not feeling old, or older, I don’t know what is.

Not to sound too much like Al Bundy, but I have always had this sense that as a young man and a former high school football player, I could easily whip any dumpy politician. But, Barrack Obama is no dumpy politician. Heck, he looked better than Denzel Washington at the Presidential Inauguration Ball.

The good news is I am relatively sure I can could kick the crap out of that pencil neck Putin if he ever happened to make a wrong turn chasing one of his Siberian Tigers across Sarah Palin’s last defense against Russia, which we call Alaska.

To be fair, I would have to say George Bush would be difficult to subdue if only because of his adroit shoe-dodging skills.

I am reasonably sure I could put the smack-down on Chinese President Hu Jintao, unless he was really good at Kung-Fu or could fly like those dudes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Moreover, I would make short work of Hugo Chavez. In fact, to assuage his socialist bombast, I would even “share the beating” with him and whatever power mad socialists compatriots he rolled with.

I will light up Castro and his freaking CIA cigar for him – Pow! Look out. Here comes The Raging Capitalist! However, Barrack Obama? Look at that six-pack. You want me to step in the ring with him? Maybe if I can triple the level-ups and then some but for now – Fuhgetaboudit!

[ Preaseason Press Conference Week 03 Podcast ]
Warning: This post and audio podcast contain some bad words! If you are under 18, you should leave this site immediately. You probably shouldn’t be doing the FFD anyway. You are under 18 and shouldn’t have a weight problem!

First I wish to apologize for any fan’s of the FFD that have become accustomed to the typically clean content on this site. But, desperate times call for desperate measures and though it is way too early to be alarmed at the dick beating we took last week it is not too early to prevent us from getting our dicks handed to us next week or worse getting our dicks knocked in the dirt! Towards those ends, we will avoid the F-Bomb at all costs but anything that falls underneath that umbrella is fair game. Because, we really shit the bed this past week.

We had a gut check this week and quite literally because you should see the size of that gut. Hey, it’s my gut we are talking about. So, when we do a gut check we are talking about both intestinal fortitude and intestinal explosions, since we can’t shove too many more calories down the pie hole then we did last week.

Okay listen you fat pile of blubber and guts. I am talking about me here. We had to ask ourselves if we really, really want to be doing this Football Fan’s Diet. It is only January and we already had a week where we simply gave up and quit. We had this “who gives a shit” attitude, pardon my French.
This is unacceptable. We expect more from these healthy inclinations then to simply give up like the Cleveland Browns.

I knew we had bad habits, but I didn’t think we would give up so early in the year. I mean we are in danger of Dick Do and it only Week 3. What is Dickdo?
It is when your Belly hangs out further than your Dick Do!

Go to Urban Dictionary def: Dickdo

Now, it is too early to say the entire season will go this way. We are bound to have some bad weeks. We have to minimize those weeks and get better and better each day. So, last week is unacceptable and we have to accountable. You got that you dick heads.
Next week our opponent is Dick Do. We can’t let our belly hang out further than our dick do. If at the end of the week, our belly indeed hangs out further than our dick do, then we done did something wrong and we may as all be slap dicks for following the Football Fan’s Diet. And, I should make it clear, it will be much harder getting a domain name called the “The Slap Dick’s Diet.”
Who in the world would want to do the Slap Dick’s Diet? We don’t’ want to be slap dicks. We don’t want to be brothers with Smack, Smack and Slap Dick.

Now, all you swinging dicks out there who still want to join in for the big win, I suggest you get your Peckers in line. We are going to make sure Dick Do does down this week. That’s it. See you all you dick heads next week on the FFD.

For what it is worth, below is my box score for Week 3 in the Preseason. Yes, I got it, handed to me. It being that which I pee with.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – No updates on MLK Day as I took the Monday off. I won’t dwell on it. I know it was a very bad week last week and I will go into more detail on my Weekly Tuesday Press Conference.

For the Most part, Monday wasn’t that bad. I am not sure if I made my limit, but if I missed my Game Day Objective it was close. I was really tired for some reason. Plus, my daughter was home as she had no school. So, perhaps that was good because I ate what she ate and in her amounts.

The thing is that it all goes back to that Thursday, where I was sitting incredibly pretty only to totally reverse magnetic fat poles that evening. I have been tail spinning ever since but I feel as if today it is time to rebound and turn it around.

In fact the only writing I did at all yesterday was on a speech: I have a hangover.
But, I will say the Steelers indeed did roll.

I am very excited about this upcoming Super Bowl. As it is, I am looking forward to putting in some good time up until the Super Bowl. We all know there will be plenty of beer to guzzle on the Super Bowl and plenty of good eating for sure, but I have two weeks to earn it (or almost two weeks). There is an interesting and novel idea: earning that Nachos Grande.

We can’t eliminate the Nacho Grande. It is far too ingrained in diet, much like beer. Wait a second? Am I that insane to think I can have my beer and my Nacho Grande too? Is it any wonder that I have slowly descended off the beaten path of health since last Thursday. I need to turn this around fast.

I think my focus will be on earning that Nacho Grande and Miller Lite. It’s not like I will be able to simply show up and walk all over my Inner Fat Slob like the Steelers did to the tired and worn out Ravens.

Speaking of that glorious game: how about Troy Polamalu? That “pick six” to seal the deal is for me one of the indelible plays of his career and of this highly memorable football season. It is almost up there with the time Troy scooped that ball from the ground against the Indianapolis Colts only to be robbed of a rightful interception. I will say, when that hair is flying, teams are dying.

Since we are on the day of Barrack Obama’s historic Inauguration perhaps it is a good time to inaugurate a new period for me – one of health and prosperity. Perhaps then I can take the aspirations of what surely will be a memorable Obama speech and translate that literally to one of health and prosperity on a personal level. That would be really cool.

One last note: I am reminded of the old adage, “He who conquers himself, conquers the world…”

I think I have a new twist on that sentiment:

“He who conquers beer, conquers the world and has earned that Nachos Grande…”

Or, something like that…

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I should start by stating the obscure: The H1 is a header font tag, which usually denotes the beginning of the most important part of a web page. And so it goes, I need some help with my H1 headings. I need them to read well. Too often the Gods of the H1 headings seem to scream defeat, at least lately. Buried somewhere therein my H1 today is a reference that is far too clever to be regarded as pithy. However, it seems apropos to what a freaking loser I am. It is a reference to a Kipling poem, The Gods of The Copy Book Headings. Here is the passage that seems so relevant as I stew, vent and wax idiotic over my latest rash of fantastically explicable defeats:

As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man
There are only four things certain since Social Progress began.
That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
And the burnt Fool’s bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;

Yesterday I done went wabbling back to the fire — the fire of defeat. And so yesterday was also a taste of the old way, which is something that really is not pleasant. Yes, there is comfort in retreating to certain foods, which seems to bring a slumbering sleepy and peaceful satisfaction. However, it is a false comfort. Already, I miss my new healthy ways, which have been on unapproved bye week since Thursday afternoon.

The danger, which is both fascinating and amazing, is how fast, I can seemingly transition from being healthy to being a fat slob. I am the 76 Steelers one day and the next I am the Browns since the merger.

You see it was Thursday where I was doing that low carb thing and all was amazing with the world. I was ready to proclaim myself the cousin of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps. Then, that evening triggered the fall from grace. What a fall it was. However, I want to put that thought on hold for a second.

Today is the AFC Championship and the Steelers will be taking on the Ravens. Last week, during the divisional drubbing of the Chargers, I was drowning beers at the Rochester Inn in the North Hills. Tonight’s kick off is 6:30 PM, which means I plan on planting my fat ass right here at home to watch this contest. I don’t think I will touch a beer. I want to set up myself for a victory this week.
Once again, if this sort of falling on and off the wagon approach to health is no stranger to you, then we have much in common. Still, today is a new day to get something right. So what else do I have to do?

The week is big fat L, which means I have to go create some kind of shameful graphic to admonish me for having lost in the manner in which I did. Towards those ends, I am considering a fat guy eating something with a big L superimposed over him or behind him. I will say this: this is the last time I want to use this graphic. Now, back to miserable past few days.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again hoping to get different results. Now, I have failed in the past and for the most part it would appear I am doing the same thing over and over again, which would therefore be an crazy stupid insane thing to do. But, I should think again. I am not doing the exact same thing over again. I am actually continuing to follow my season. That is an approach I have never done faithfully before. So maybe that is the key to success this year. To keep doing this FFD thing. To keep plugging away. To keep striving. To keep hoping. To keep practicing a healthy lifestyle.

I am writing about my failures. I am logging my short comings. I am making myself accountable to the Internet Gods — the Gods of the H1 Headings. Therefore, I am doing something different and therefore I am not insane (though there is plenty of room for debate). So the plan is to take the last day of this losing week and use it as a stepping stone for one fantastic week ahead. Call me insane, just don’t call me pessimistic or late for dinner.

Here’s hoping the Steelers pummel the Ravens! On that note, I should offer this football fan’s two cents worth of pregame analysis. I know I am biased because of my allegiance to the Black and Gold, but the Steelers can easily steamroller this beat-up geriatric Ravens team. I have not heard anyone else echo these thoughts but I see that a Steelers blow out could easily be a possibility. Now, I know the Steelers are capable of losing this game too, but something tells me there is no overlooking this opponent. Steelers-Ravens is fast becoming a great modern day rivalry. However, here’s hoping it is lopsided. Same with my season too I suppose. Enjoy the game, while I fight to keep my sanity on the FFD. On that note, may the Gods of the H1 headings, grant me their blessings. However, I have a feeling I will need plenty of Neosporin when it comes time for that wabbling finger once more. Speaking of fingers – the middle one to the Ravens!

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – And the wheels have come off. Yesterday, was a blow out by my Inner Fat Slob. Oh, it was not very pretty. Once again, beer was the chief culprit. There was also fast food involved and generally poor eating all day. Yes, my healthy perspective quit on me yesterday big time. I am starting to see the team I have to deal with is really made of a bunch of prima donnas.

It started off on the wrong foot. McDonald’s for breakfast. I don’t know what it was that I had to have a McSkillet Burrito for breakfast but anytime you got the “Mc” prefix in front of anything it usually ain’t a health bar.

Then, there was a fairly normal lunch. But, the beer that night at the Highland Bar killed me. Worse, it prompted me to grab some grub from the Wendy’s dollar menu.
I don’t know why it is I had to have Wendy’s but anytime you are ordering from a Value Menu it is not healthy stuff you are buying.

What is the solution to fix the ship before it plunges down into the ocean waters? Why is it that this seems to be something hard to stop. One minute my healthy lifestyle is like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett spreading their wings as they lean over the Titanic. The next, well, you may recall the scene were the deep scuba diver is looking around the Titanic wreckage and finds the necklace or whatever it was. It is here they would recant the woebegone story of one man’s effort to lose some unwanted poundage. I wonder if it would win an Oscar?

Excuse me while I brainstorm. I wonder if I can call the local authorities or something and tell them to ban fast food restaurants in the immediate 1,000 mile radius? Who would I have to call? Maybe George Bush could help. I don’t think he will have much to do now. Could I wire my house with a dog fence and wear one of those collars that zap the snoot out of ol’ Sparky when he ventures to far beyond the border?

Maybe I need to call “Vince” from of SlapChop fame and ask him if his Slap Chop can make me healthy one slap at a time? Speaking of the SlapChop, have you seen that really cruddy infomercial? It is so bad it is hilarious.

Let’s take a moment to laugh at the SlapChop

“You love salad. You hate making it.”

“You’re gonna change your eating habits.”

“Stop having a boring tuna. Stop having a boring life.”

“You’re gonna love my nuts…”

“We’re gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time.”

Are you seeing now I am beginning to lighten up a bit about everything? I am starting to laugh. Therein lies the kernel to my next bag of popcorn. Ah. Not a good metaphor.

Enough about me. What about you? How are you doing in your New Year’s resolutions? Have they been completely forgotten about by now? If so, I feel your pain. It is tough to change a lifestyle.

I hope you see though that a little laughter is not a bad thing when it comes to health. We can take our time. After all, It is going to be a long season. I know there will be more stumbling points but the key is to make sure there are long winning streaks that outweigh the bad ones.

I am convinced we got the potential both, you and me. Now go buy a SlapChop and quit living a boring life with your boring tuna! I wonder if I can use my ShamWow to clean up all these tears?

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Yesterday highlights why there is not much difference sometimes between a champion caliber team like the Pittsburgh Steelers and a perennial laughingstock like the Cincinnati Bengals. You see, a few years ago, the Bengals were all the rage to dominate the AFC North because of QB Carson Palmer and WR Chad Johnson and whoever. But, an injury here; a player changing his name to “Ocho Cinco” there; and next thing you know the Bengals suck. It happened a year later with the Cleveland Browns. That had a 10-6 season and next thing you know they are being ordained the 2008 AFC North Champion. Well, we all know how that worked out for them. This is what happened or could be happening to me.

Yesterday, I did the stepper for a freaking hour. Wait, more than an hour. Still, I freaking lost yesterday and I can’t believe I had to chalk up a loss. Worse. The scale bite me back this morning. Man, I suck. It happened because of the night out over at the friend’s place, where there was plenty of food and good eating to have had. Now, mind you, I barely missed the mark but miss it I did. I guess on these sorts of days you want to look back and reflect upon what you did well. After all, you have to have a short memory if you want to find success.

So I am going to forget about it. I will remember that I did the stepper for over a freaking hour. How could I forget that? Anyway, today it is another cold day. We have to take the mother in law back to Pittsburgh International airport and I have to attend a class on network analysis at Carnegie Mellon University. Somewhere in there, I want to get an hour in on the treadmill. Wait. It is Friday. Screw the treadmill – happy hour usually beckons. Damn. It doesn’t end. There is an AFC Championship game this Sunday, which almost guarantees a poor weigh-in on Monday. This is not going to be as easy as I was starting to think it would be. I know: accent the positive.

I am still down for the week on whole. Perhaps I am merely a salad away from making a huge healthy breakthrough. You see, if I can learn to handle social occasions in a healthy manner, I think I will have figured out something big. I even think it means my game will go to a whole new level. So, I have to have a short memory. Now, where are the forms. I need to change my name to “Ocho Stinko!”