The Football Fan’s Diet

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – The past couple days have been really good and I have slowly recovered from the tailspin begun last Thursday, when I was rudely “Fat-jacked” by Polish cookies. It surely was not easy. However, I really believed I “leveled-up” to borrow a “gamer” term.

This means I feel I went around and picked all the “low-hanging fruit,” to pilfer yet another term that seems to occur mostly in computational scientific papers and which vaguely annoys me for some reason. Now, I will try not to fly off on a wild tangent, but doesn’t “Low-Hanging Fruit” sound like a good porn moniker?

Anyway, what does “leveling-up” mean for me?

It means I feel I fully recovered from last week’s unhealthy marathon but more importantly I feel like my gelatinous body has made a lasting metabolic adjustment. It seems to acknowledge that this new weight bracket, which is in a new 10 lb range, is something it can get comfortable with. It feels permanent whereas a week or so ago when I hit the low weight I had to struggle to do so. Now that I am back, I think my body gave up fighting me on this and said, “Okay, you fat pile of blubber and guts, let’s gown down ten and stay there…” To me, leveling-up, is when you feel the new weight is permanent. Still, I got more levels to go.

I suppose the true test will be when I no longer hit the upper 10 lb. bracket. Don’t you just love how I don’t specify exactly what numbers are in those brackets? The reason is the numbers are not important. The numbers are relative. For now, though, I feel better. That is what is important.

I am determined to hold onto the new level I attained. Towards those ends, being it is Thursday and last Thursday really jacked me up, I am in position to score well today. I want to really put the beat-down on my Fat Matt in that regards.

I have this new short term goal of tasting the next level, which is basically another 10 lb. bracket, by The Super Bowl. Yes, I know what you are thinking: this posting is curiously devoid of Super Bowl hoopla especially considering that my beloved Steelers are in it. Don’t worry we have time.

Now, to allude to the rest of the title of this posting: I should say that in light of the historic and elegant inauguration of our new President and having proclaimed myself to be “Damn proud to be an American” on my Facebook status, I saw an online article about what great shape Barrack Obama is in. It was either in Men’s Health or some GQ site or something. The freaking guy was in Hawaii not so long ago and he clearly got the six-pack going. This prompted me to assess my own physical stature and it was then I realized that this President could really beat the living tar out of me if it ever came down to it. Now, if that is not feeling old, or older, I don’t know what is.

Not to sound too much like Al Bundy, but I have always had this sense that as a young man and a former high school football player, I could easily whip any dumpy politician. But, Barrack Obama is no dumpy politician. Heck, he looked better than Denzel Washington at the Presidential Inauguration Ball.

The good news is I am relatively sure I can could kick the crap out of that pencil neck Putin if he ever happened to make a wrong turn chasing one of his Siberian Tigers across Sarah Palin’s last defense against Russia, which we call Alaska.

To be fair, I would have to say George Bush would be difficult to subdue if only because of his adroit shoe-dodging skills.

I am reasonably sure I could put the smack-down on Chinese President Hu Jintao, unless he was really good at Kung-Fu or could fly like those dudes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Moreover, I would make short work of Hugo Chavez. In fact, to assuage his socialist bombast, I would even “share the beating” with him and whatever power mad socialists compatriots he rolled with.

I will light up Castro and his freaking CIA cigar for him – Pow! Look out. Here comes The Raging Capitalist! However, Barrack Obama? Look at that six-pack. You want me to step in the ring with him? Maybe if I can triple the level-ups and then some but for now – Fuhgetaboudit!

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