The Football Fan’s Diet

When I first heard of the Football Fan’s Diet, I was thinking immediately here was the diet for me. What I really liked it about, it was a diet and most importantly, it mentioned football and I am a pig – so it seemed perfect. Did I mention I am a diehard Baltimore Ravens fan?

I have always been involved in fantasy football and in some ways; this diet seems like just that – a fantasy. I thought that it was a joke that I could eat everything I wanted and “still gain weight.” However, if truth be told, I ate everything and anything in sight and it worked.

As I continued this approach, the unsightly flab showed in my hips and in other parts of my bulbous and porky fat body.

Using the Football Fan Diet approach, I put on another unsightly ring of blubber around my pear shaped bodice. I wonder if after my inevitable coronary, the autopsy folks will find clues to my dieting past much a like an anthropologist learns about, I don’t know, wood and stuff by looking at tree rings?

Life isn’t all good. I am at a loss now because department stores typically don’t carry my waist size for a guy my height and tonnage. I started going to Casual Male and soon outgrew this store. So, I now order pant-sizes at Goodyear.

Right now I wear a PS220, R46 All-Season Radial around my waist.

Did I tell you I have come to accept that I will never have a meaningful relationship with anything but my hand?

My daughter doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I know she is finally over the fact I granted Ray Lewis rights of Prima Nocta should he had ever considered my bastard children a suitable ball and chain but when she learned I was doing the Football Fan’s Diet, she threatened to have me involuntarily committed. Hmm. The last time I was involuntarily committed was the shot gun wedding to her mother!

The Football Fan’s Diet may not have only saved my life; it may have ended the pathetic thing even more prematurely than my lifestyle would have dictated otherwise.

I would write more but my French fries are getting cold. The nacho cheese is congealing as well and I think that my puke bucket is where I dropped the remote control when I feel asleep during the Steelers ass whipping of the Chargers last week. I better go get it now, before I have a heart attack or something. I sure hope it comes before the Steelers roll over the Ravens in this week’s AFC Championship game. Once again, thank you Football Fan’s Diet. You are a life ender!

Bob The Slob
Baltimore, Maryland

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