The Football Fan’s Diet

[ Preaseason Press Conference Week 03 Podcast ]
Warning: This post and audio podcast contain some bad words! If you are under 18, you should leave this site immediately. You probably shouldn’t be doing the FFD anyway. You are under 18 and shouldn’t have a weight problem!


By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Welcome to the Week 3 Preseason Press conference on the Football Fan’s Diet. I’ll take your questions…

First I wish to apologize for any fan’s of the FFD that have become accustomed to the typically clean content on this site. But, desperate times call for desperate measures and though it is way too early to be alarmed at the dick beating we took last week it is not too early to prevent us from getting our dicks handed to us next week or worse getting our dicks knocked in the dirt! Towards those ends, we will avoid the F-Bomb at all costs but anything that falls underneath that umbrella is fair game. Because, we really shit the bed this past week.

We had a gut check this week and quite literally because you should see the size of that gut. Hey, it’s my gut we are talking about. So, when we do a gut check we are talking about both intestinal fortitude and intestinal explosions, since we can’t shove too many more calories down the pie hole then we did last week.

Okay listen you fat pile of blubber and guts. I am talking about me here. We had to ask ourselves if we really, really want to be doing this Football Fan’s Diet. It is only January and we already had a week where we simply gave up and quit. We had this “who gives a shit” attitude, pardon my French.
This is unacceptable. We expect more from these healthy inclinations then to simply give up like the Cleveland Browns.

I knew we had bad habits, but I didn’t think we would give up so early in the year. I mean we are in danger of Dick Do and it only Week 3. What is Dickdo?
It is when your Belly hangs out further than your Dick Do!

Go to Urban Dictionary def: Dickdo

Now, it is too early to say the entire season will go this way. We are bound to have some bad weeks. We have to minimize those weeks and get better and better each day. So, last week is unacceptable and we have to accountable. You got that you dick heads.
Next week our opponent is Dick Do. We can’t let our belly hang out further than our dick do. If at the end of the week, our belly indeed hangs out further than our dick do, then we done did something wrong and we may as all be slap dicks for following the Football Fan’s Diet. And, I should make it clear, it will be much harder getting a domain name called the “The Slap Dick’s Diet.”
Who in the world would want to do the Slap Dick’s Diet? We don’t’ want to be slap dicks. We don’t want to be brothers with Smack, Smack and Slap Dick.

Now, all you swinging dicks out there who still want to join in for the big win, I suggest you get your Peckers in line. We are going to make sure Dick Do does down this week. That’s it. See you all you dick heads next week on the FFD.

For what it is worth, below is my box score for Week 3 in the Preseason. Yes, I got it, handed to me. It being that which I pee with.

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