Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I don’t know why I picked the title for this posting other than it is Tuesday and it seemed a nice play on words. Beyond that, I don’t really having a longing for a Reuben sandwich, if that is what you were thinking by it. I am not even that big a fan of the old Stones song Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, so I didn’t mean anything by that either. However, by and large, the Rueben sandwich is a good one and the Stones song surely holds its own. Did you ever think, however, many people could replace the phrase “by and large” with “why I’m large” and it would make even more sense.

Just think of it: “Why I’m large, the Reuben sandwich is a good one.” It goes on. “Why I’m large, beer is great.” Okay, enough “Why I’m Large” banter. Let’s get down to business on this Tuesday afternoon, which will be Reuben sandwich free for sure.

Here is the situation: I finally feel like I am coming out of the badly congested sinus episode, which left me both dizzy, snot-filled and with an easy excuse to gulp down an Angus Deluxe at McDonalds last week. Thus, it came as no surprise last week as was a close week on the FFD, but, by and large (oh damn—I didn’t really mean to use that phrase), I still can’t see why simply because I have a mucus quasar in my nose, I should have a greasy hamburger! Like a greasy sloppy cheeseburger from McDonald’s is the cure for the common cold! That sort of thinking is a hangover from days long before preseason when Fat Matt did whatever food he wanted, when he was the Fat Daddy of all things caloric. By and large that’s why I’m large—but getting smaller. So Goodbye Reuben Tuesday! And goodbye, cheeseburger-a-day-to keep-the-doctor-away. It’s time to roll and we don’t need any butter for this one!

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Hard to believe we are into Week 6 now. In fact, it is Week 6 of the Regular Season and I am sitting at 6-0. That is something to be darn happy about, but I can’t rest on my fat laurels. There is still two-thirds of the regular season to be played and a lot can happen between now and then. I will say that I am beginning to get comments about my weight and not the ones that would usually go like “Holy Hell… What the heck have you been eating lately Matt?”

No, I am getting the ones that go like “You lost weight didn’t you?” “Wow, those jeans are falling off you.”
(Thankfully, no matter how skinny I get I will always have the naturally large coat hook to hang my jeans on – now, now).

Yesterday the family and I took the dog for a walk when a neighbor who loves up the street noticed us cresting the hill near her corner lawn. She shouted something to the effect “Matt, you sure aren’t carrying around what you were in the fall. What is your secret? How much weight have you lost?”

That is a very good felling to experience. However, and I mean it, even though the more temperate weather seems to be more and more a reality, my goal is still a good deal away.
I am still all stuffed up from a nasty sinus conditions. I didn’t gain any weight last week but I only lost just under a pound and Week 6 was my closing scoring differential yet: 13 points. So there is cause for concern. What I want to focus on this coming three weeks is logging 21 dogged days of extreme health – we are talking 21 winning days (notice how I didn’t say sans beer). I think that if I can knock them down, those days will drop me down another level for sure – at least get me into the next weight category and probably the next set of pants that have been collecting dust for the past eight years.

You know perhaps the best thing about weight loss isn’t necessarily getting into your own pants from years ago, it is perhaps about getting into someone else’s pants because of how good you now look. Being happily married, that observation is meant more for you fat single slobs out there who need inspiration much more than perspiration.

Dare I say I have a pair of 34s from way back and I am eyeing them with hope and not as some nostalgic proof for my daughter that I once was a slender fellow? We’ll see. We’ll see my friend. Maybe someone will be waving my fat ass pants on a commercial someday and I will be speaking to school kids about the ills of having to do commercials to make money. The sky is the limit and the FFD continues.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am still not a hundred percent but I feel better. I have now logged three losing days in a row, which may or may not rightly be attributed to this run down stuffy flu-like condition, which I have suffered since midweek. In fact, if I don’t do anything about it today, then this week could be a loss. As it stands, I am slightly down for the week, most of my weight loss having been nearly erased to a pound all from the past few days.

The funny thing is it is really difficult to know what and how you should do when you are clearly not a hundred percent. I still don’t know if I suffer severe hay fever or simply get the same damn sinus infection every March, but it does seem to be every March. So, what should I do. Abandon plans for weight loss and exercise and let me my body rest. How long should I do that for? Would I feel any worse if I actually dragged my snotty ass to the gym and ran on the stepper for a hour or two? I guess I will find out because I don’t want to see the progress go backward. I still have a slight weight loss to show for the week and if I put in a good Sunday, I will get the win.

The greater question is when does having a cold become an excuse to not be healthy? It’s pretty clear that right now I am not hundred percent but to hell with it. Time get back to that YMCA and see if it still looks the same after the three days.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Yesterday was a good workout. But, other than that – man, if I don’t have allergies I don’t know what they are. I mean, my whole head is stuff with snot right now. I know that is gross. But, worse still, my eyes are itchy, I got a cough and I don’t feel sick. What is up with that?

I popped some Benadryl and, well, I don’t think it does doddle for me. Such it is my lot in life to suffer. I will try to fight my way through it. On the more healthy side, I am still doing very well. In fact, I have no exercised 10 days in a row. So, have to keep doing it. Keep blowing my nose and good things should happen right?

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Sunday night was the first time I came back in the fourth quarter and won a day. I swear it looked like I was destined to be in for a loss. We had people over for an early afternoon dinner and we had all sorts of sandwiches and desserts and lunch meats.

For the most part, I was eating pretty healthy but nonetheless I exceeded my Daily Game Day Objective by a few hundred calories. I was resigned to defeat. But then something odd happened. I decided to hit the gym!

I not only burned off the extra calories I burned enough to finish the day with a decent deficit. So it was my first come from behind victory, something that feels good but is nonetheless a situation I don’t’ want to be in too often. If you have to come from behind, it means you have been losing. I would much prefer to dominate my Inner Fat Slob, though that might not be as entertaining as figuring out a way to come back.

Monday was a workmanlike effort that saw me hit the gym in the evening for a short but effective workout on the stepper contraption. The Stepper and the fourth quarter comeback paid off. The goal is either broke or I am doing something right. Let us hope a broken scale is right more than a broken clock.

But a new week is here – week 6 of the regular season, which is really hard to believe – and the season continues. We have to forgot about the fourth quarter comeback and move on to the challenges that each week brings.

Myron Cope at WTAE

Quoth the Radio man “Yoi!”

An Overdue Tribute the late Steelers Football Broadcasting legend Myron Cope

By Matt DeReno
Exclusive to The Football Fan’s Diet!

Editor’s Note: Matt is filing in for the Town Drunk, who has been AWOL for the past several days. We are sure he is at the library or something researching his next contribution. Yeah, right!

Once upon a midnight dreary, as I performed a Google query,
For many quaint and curious bites of forgotten Steelers lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my game room door.
`’Tis some dude,’ I muttered, `tapping at my game room door -
Only this, and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I remember I was out of beer in December,
And each separate cigar ember wrought its ghost upon my game room floor.
Eagerly I wished for a beer made of Iron – as I searched YouTube for clips of Myron
For the rare and radiant radio man whom the angels named Myron-
Nameless here forevermore.

And the Immaculate reception memories were great and certain as that awesome Steel Curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic memories felt so long before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some lost Steelers fan entreating entrance at my gameroom door -
Some late friend entreating entrance at my gameroom door; -
To beer me and watch football, and nothing more,’

Then my thirst grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Dude,’ said I, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was about to go a napping, when so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my game room door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ – here I opened wide my game room door; -
Me in Steelers boxers, and nothing more.

Deep into my basement peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal fan ever dared to dream before (i.e, You know – like a Seventh Super Bowl for the Black and Gold?)

But the Cleveland fan’s silence was still unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Yoi’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Double Yoi!’
Was I drunk and nothing more.

Back into the game room turning, all my bowels within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely dude,’ said I, `surely that is some jagoff at my game room door having some fun;
Let me see then, this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Me, my belly and nothing more!’

On Sports Center Berman stuttered, when, with a Terrible flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately radio man of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord, perched inside my game room door -
Perched underneath a toothless bust of Lambert, which was just above my game room door -
This radio man— was it Myron?, come down to sit, and nothing more.

Then this radio man beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore,
`Though my chest be unpainted and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and a hater of (Baltimore) Ravens, wandering from the Black and Gold shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on Canton’s eternal offseason shore!’
Quoth the the radio man, `Yoi!’

Much I marveled this ungainly man to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer great meaning – much relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing the ghost of Myron Cope inside his game room door -
Bird-like voice and sports writing beast smiling underneath the sculptured toothless bust of Lambert, which sat above my game room door,
With such name as `Myron Cope’

But the radio man, sitting lonely underneath the toothless bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered – I served him Pierogies, which he buttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other broadcasters have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the radio man said, `Yoi.’

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly the fond words spoken,
`Doubtless,’ said I, `what you utter is no way stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till all Polka songs one burden bore -
Till the well springs of his hope that he inspired in this boy, when the ageless words were spoken, “Double Yoi!.”‘

But the radio man still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of radio man and bust and door;
Then, upon the black and gold sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this great radio man of yore -
What this great, ungainly, legendary, and ominous radio man of yore
Meant in croaking `Yoi!’

`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of legend! – prophet still, if the real Myron! -
Whether Art Rooney sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this game room enchanted -
On this home by Steelers legends haunted – tell me truly, I implore -
Does Art Rooney Sr. smoke cigars in heaven? – tell me – tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the radio man, `Yoi!’

`Be that word our sign of parting, friend!’ I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the Black and Gold heavenly shore!
Leave no black and gold plume as a token of that truth thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the toothless Lambert bust, which sat above my door!
Take thy Terrible Towel from out my heart, and take thy form from underneath my game room!’
Quoth the radio man, “Hum-Hah!”

And the radio man, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Underneath the toothless bust of Lambert, which sits just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a radio man’s that is dreaming,
And the neon -light o’er him streaming throws shadows of Black and Gold upon the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted eternally – Double Yoi!

Sites to visit:
Allegheny Valley School (Recipient of Cope’s Terrible Towel proceeds

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

Each day it seems as if some lady is getting her hands and face chewed off by a raving chimpanzee or saber-rattling in distant lands foretells the doom of the planet. Countries extolling the virtues of wiping others off the planet seek to increase fear and spread uncertainty. Some nut in Russia thinks ineffective entities like the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is the sort of system that best protects Americans interests. Rush Limbaugh has been labeled as an intellectual force. In Africa, the Darfur humanitarian crisis continues to depress those that basically hold humans are good creatures at heart. But, there is reason to smile.

For instance, it feels good to know you have a job while ego maniac football player Terrell Owens is now seeking his part of the economic stimulus package.

However, another reason is when you can count a personal victory in anything. Today, the scale went down again and I am now weighing less than I have in probably three years. Does that mean I am getting younger? It sure feels like it. Oh, but I should mentioned I have a “performance review” today at work. Ouch. Hopefully, I will not be standing behind Terrell Owens anytime soon.

The lesson I am taking from this is that while the world continues to have its issues at large. My largeness is getting smaller. It is in the small victories that great things can be accomplished. I know that my weight loss efforts pale in comparison to what the world faces, but in my little private world called “me” my personal issues are the one thing I can effectively take action against. After all, as it has been said by a man wiser than me, he who conquers himself conquers the world. Maybe then I can figure this weight thing out and work on the world’s problems next.

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – It is early once again and though we are not freezing like we did yesterday in Pittsburgh, the warm weather is still not quite here.

I hit the scale today and the progress continues. In fact, I am on a mini-roll. In some ways, I can’t believe it’s not butter. Okay, I am not sure what I mean by that, but perhaps I am thinking I can’t believe it is this sweet so far and it appears to be working. Ah, if I said I did not have any doubts as to if it would work, I would be lying. By it I mean the FFD.

So here I am in the middle of Week 5 on the FFD, enjoying the fruits of a few goose-eggs. I am on the brink of the next “level-up.” I lost 32 lbs. to date. Wow. Just think of all the beer that went into that 32 lbs!

The best thing I surely noticed the other day when I found a pair of jeans I couldn’t put on since who knows how long. It is like I have a new wardrobe that materialized out of nowhere. That is pretty cool. However, we are still far from our goal and if history has proven anything to us it is this: you never know when it can jump up and bite you in the ass. The more I work out the more harder it will be to get a good bite.

If you are out there losing weight and struggling, I would love to hear from you. It is no easy task.

The reason I think losing weight is monumental is because you are tackling both a resilient physiology and human behavior at the same time. I have trouble changing my socks at the end of the day let alone enact major changes to my lifestyle. Once you get those unhealthy habits, damn if they are not hard to break. They stick with you, they nag you, they make you irritable when you try to be healthy. It’s like wearing your in laws around your waist (Okay, I have no idea what that means).

However, if I can offer any encouragement to those out there struggling: slowly but surely it gets easier. Once you get the process working in your favor, I do believe you gather steam and you can reverse that pleasure-pain association with junk food and healthy living. So, I am grateful for what I have accomplished today and looking forward getting this damn thing over with!

Yes, that is right. The other day I was thinking: how long must I do this crap. Did I open a can of worms with this great diet of my own. I have forced myself to do it and see it through to the bitter end or the glorious victory. I know there will be many more tough days ahead. But, if I don’t quit and work hard, I expect the progress to continue. I hope you stick with it as well.

PITTSBURGH – It is time to look back and reflect on February. February is like our September in the NFL. It is the month out of the gate so to speak, where you want to establish yourself early with a decent record. After all, we all know that if you go 1 and 3, the chances of turning around a start like that and making the playoffs, though possible, is highly unlikely. Conversely, if you post a winning percentage in the first month of the season, your chances for post season play increased exponentially. We did just that.

We ran the table for 16 straight days in February. From Feb. 3 thru Feb. 17, we goose-egged our Inner Fat slob and dropped a whopping 15.97 lbs. We are to be commended. That was some good weight loss. Now, the critical stuff.

Still not that happy with Saturdays. Even though there is not one particular day of the week where we had a losing record, Saturdays were .500 days, which meant we had a fifty-fifty chance of success on any given Saturday (sounds like a lame prequel to that movie…). We have to do much better than that. Surprisingly, we smacked Sunday in the ass and whoever thought Sunday’s had asses to smack. As well, we clobbered our slob on Fridays, but it will surely be hard to forget that one Friday in which we won, but lost spiritually and got it handed to us. I mean when you paint the walls with vomit it is hard to say you achieved some kind of goal. Yes, we got the W that day but damn! Oh, and we really haven’t lost much weight at all since Feb. 17.
But that is all in the past now. We are staring at March.

March will be challenging but it is full of some great opportunity to establish ourselves for the second half of the season. I don’t think we have a big social calendar this coming month, but you never know what will crop up and what bygone assholes will come out of the Facebook woodwork.

At least when these blasts from the past do buy Matt a drink it is a fake electronic one, which means no calories. But, holly hell and high water. Is that what it has come down to—fake drinks, images of drinks, on social networking web sites? When did the whole world become one big mother nerd. The key is to keep that social stuff to a minimum. Yes, enjoy it but really enjoy it every so often. You know there is a reason you never stayed in touch with most of these people.

So this March we are aiming to beat our record of 16 consecutive winning days in a row. We must remember that previous to this record, the benchmark had been 8 days. Can we do a whole month? That would surely be insane. Speaking of insane, we will determinedly put up the goose eggs where possible, but we won’t go ape shit about not having beer. Although it should be kept in mind that when old Matt here does have beer, he tends to eat like Jake LaMotta in his fading days as a comedic host and not when he clubbed Sugar Ray Robinson. So the beer should be enjoyed sparingly. Which brings the coach here to a special challenge to Fat Ass Matt: quit drinking light beer.

Yes, you heard that right. Quit drinking that swill. You are better off having one or two decent wholly enjoyable beers then funneling that light swill like there is no tomorrow. I am curious if you can do it Matt.

Okay. March is started. We got off on a good start yesterday. Today is another and then we have a month to deal with. I hope to some more records to acknowledge come April. But that is 4 weeks away. In case you haven’t looked, the winter is still here. You are still fat dude!

Yes, you dropped almost 30 lbs in 2 months. You are getting there, but you are not there yet, not even half way. The goal is 195 lb. What? You are embarrassed I actually dropped some weight numbers here in this diet. Get over it. Get on with it. I am sick of protecting your sorry fat ass.

Go to the gym today and get mad about your waist line equator you son-of-a-bitch. Show that inner fat slob who is boss. You don’t have all the time in the world to grasp greatness. If you want to accomplish the improbable, it all starts with conquering yourself. So go do that and be healthy. Quit being a disgusting fat body. Quite being that fat guy.

Quite being that belly they show on all the morning shows when they discuss weight loss. Don’t be the B-roll for fat rolls. Don’t’ be that wide load derriere when it comes to traffic jams. Don’t’ be that idiot Acacia berry dip shit who claims to have lost 30 lbs in 30 days. You are going to do this with sweat and beer my friend. Sweat and beer.

Speaking of Acacia berries. Who are these fat ass ladies? I mean they spam this blog all the time. The FFD doesn’t fall for horseshit gimmickry like that. The only way to really lose weight is very much like the only way to play great football. You have to get your mind right and your body right. Hey, it is a recipe for life, which is why football is great. Acacia berries? A recipe for constipation. Don’t’ listen to some slapdash puckfist on Oprah telling you about wild berries from the Amazon that make you shit away all the weight. It isn’t going to happen.

Are you with me? Now, go out there and kick some fat ass. While you are it – kick your own fat ass. See you in April. Now, who left the cork out of my low-cal high-proof lunch?