The Football Fan’s Diet

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Okay, I have had my ups and downs this past month, but mostly it has been a zero sum game. I have pretty much maintained my losses from the previous months and now I am sort of hovering at a weight level that I am maintaining.

I have some good days and some hard-hitting days. I have had a lot of days where my inner fat slob has got the best out of me. I have had some victories too. All in all, I am happy I am holding firm.
But, I have to have one more big push because the season is rapidly moving along. I thought this damn thing would take forever when I started way back in January, but things are really picking up now. There is only 5 weeks left of the Regular Season. That is not a lot. Then, there is 5 weeks for the playoffs. Then, it is over. Finished will be “A Season on the Drink.”

And such, I better get going. I can’t hold steady for 2 more months and say “Well, that was fun…. Time to get fat again.” I mean I have to have another big push toward the finish line—to win that Super Bowl of Health.

In retrospect, perhaps I needed an April to sort of chill out a bit. I did hold onto what I lost. That was great. But, how do I put it into high gear one last time to get down to my goal? That will be very difficult to do.

However, today I am feeling good and up to that task. I got some energy stores. I worked in the yard and bicycled during the past couple weeks, which is great. Nonetheless, I can’t escape the thought: it is time to put it all back together for one final push where I am not only getting good physical activity but eating healthy and being productive too. If it sounds like I am psyching myself up here, well, I am.

It is a bit on the cooler side today and Pittsburgh was a little wet the last couple days. However, there was some very nice summerlike weather to be enjoyed the past couple weekends and it is not even May. I have to remember that I got 2 more months. The weather will be nice. There will be some great chances to golf badly. Did I mention I golfed this past weekend?

I can’t call it exercise, but man, the sun was shining and there is nothing better than golfing with good friends, nursing an ice cold six pack when the sun is beating down on your brow and all your shots are heading off into the woods—and you simply don’t care what your score is be it on a golf card or any FFD Box score. That is when golf is fun. That is when drinking beer is fun.

I don’t want to get too much into a golf analogy here (Hmm. I am wondering if there could be a golfer’s diet.), but I think driving a golf cart while drinking beer is the last place on Earth where nobody bats an eye at a people behind the wheel of a motorized contraption when one guy has a hand on the steering wheel and another on a can of Iron. You can even smoke if you want too. That all can’t last too long can it? But enough about golf for now—let’s get back to some football banter. The Steelers had their draft the other day and that is worth discussing.

I was okay with their picks, which were nothing terribly sexy but then the Steelers are never sexy when it comes to drafting anyone. Nonetheless, the Steelers seem to know a good value when they find one. We have had some remarkable drafts as of late and it is my hope that pattern continues this year. Speaking of patterns, it is my hope I can find that pattern I was into now over a month ago. Do I have it in me? Come on. I think I do. One last big push is all I need. Oh, and more golf balls and a cold six pack of Iron wouldn’t be bad either.

PITTSBURGH – This is the coach speaking here. I am here to say that Matt took a Bye Week last week and this was approved by the Commissioner of The Football Fan’s Diet. That is right, Matt took a rest from it all, green-lighted and sanctioned from the highest offices of The FFD.

We were debating if we would have Bye Week here in the FFD, and were loath to take one. But, you know what. We needed a Bye Week badly. We were getting banged up. We needed a breather to regroup and retool for the final push to the playoffs.
So what exactly is a Bye Week?

A Bye Week is a one week break from The FFD where you don’t keep score and don’t really worry about beer or anything like that. You simply eat normally. You avoid the binges naturally. It is really a week to rest and take a breather. You don’t score yourself. You just live.
That being said, there are some pointers to keep in mind.

Go to the gym as often as you like, but take it easy. Get recharged. Focus on getting back to your healthy ways. That is what is happening during the bye week. And, just like taking a Bye Week in the NFL, you don’t want anything stupid to happen. You know what I mean: like Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the foot (literally and figuratively). By the same token, don’t you do something really dumb like eat a bucket of KFC and call it a Bye Week? This would be like Plaxico shooting himself in the foot.

Please not that the bye week is not in lieu of a particular week. This means if you happen to take a Bye Week in the middle of Week 12 (which is what Matt did) you go back to Week 12, you don’t skip it. So we are now on Week 12. Our bye week—Matt’s—was taken this past week.

Matt did a lot of healthy things and did get some good exercise in, notably in the form of yard work and hunting for golf balls as a result of errant tee shots. But, now, it is time to move on. It is back to Week 12.
The Bigger question now if Matt is recharged. Because, now, it counts. Now, is the time that real champions play their best football? Is Matt a real champion here? The coming weeks will surely tell.
So if you need a Bye Week, take it. Take a week off. Rest. Enjoy. Live normally for a week. See what that is like. Then, after that week is over, get geared up for remaining season. You will need that energy, because it doesn’t get any easier and there will be no more Bye Weeks.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH -I am listening to the Beatles right now. Across The Universe. The refrain is currently reverberating through my home office:

“Nothings gonna change my world… Nothings gonna change my world…”

I am starting to feel a bit like that passage. I am slipping. My grip is tenuous at best, inevitably slip sliding away at worst (oh, I won’t even play that song).

I have to get going. I have to get my ass in gear!

There is only so much time left and I am losing this week again. I will resolve to stay focused but man this is not, nor was it ever going to be easy, I guess. I am at a crossroads.

Damn. I have to quit playing business as it was once mentioned to me. I have to do it. Easier said than done. Back to the chalk board. We must get this right.
Yesterday was another losing effort no doubt. Worse, it was one of those “not good enough” days, where you think “what’s the point.” I’ll tell you. Nobody said life was easy. But, I will fight through those thoughts and keep marching forwarding no matter how many days I step backward. Here I go and gain on my own. Gain? Talk about a Freudian typo. Now, I know have White Snake somewhere on this damn PC!

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Okay, yesterday, I blew it. I sort of said, well, let’s go have Chinese after work. We did. It was good. On the plus side, I didn’t really affect my weight at all. However, what is frustrating is that in the past 4 weeks, it seems I have been stuck where I am at. I guess this is the plateaus everyone talks about.

Okay. I got it. It is like you can exercise all you want, but you go back to the plateau. You can eat a lot but after a couple days of getting back on track, you are back to the plateau. I guess, I will just have to put in more and more good days and try to forget about plateaus and weight loss. Just live. Easier said than done. But, this plateau is boring.

A Fake Testimonial From Our Friend: The Mad Arab!

AN UNDISCLOSED LAWLESS REGION SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE PAKISTAN – The Football Fan’s Diet is no life saver you infidels. It promotes the lifestyle of the Great Satan that each of you Yankees are, you Miller-Lite Drinking, Football-Watching, SUV-driving, Sons-of-diseased-goats — your days are numbered. It just so happens that you need to be wiped off the face of the Earth.

Now, I am not one to do that, but I am actively involved in a nuclear program, designed for peaceful means no less, but, this program could theoretically, do just that. So don’t piss me off! You diet at my mercy Football Fan’s Diet!

I might start my own site but instead of Football Fan’s Diet, I will lose that ‘T’ and my site will be called simply “Football Fan’s Die.” How do you like those pomegranates?

(Okay, are all the mad mullahs gone? Good.)

How exactly does it work? I mean, how should I set my Daily Game Day objective? And, when should I start my season? I will have to admit, some, not me, think this is a great way to lose weight. It is my hope you can help me with my problem. I promise, I will make your death merciful in return.
You see, I am very sad on the inside. I admit when I wallow in doubt, I turn to goat cheese and, well, creme filled yellow sponge cakes.

As a consequence of my uncontrollable appetite, I have really ballooned up in the past few years. I curse my weakness for your damnable Twinkies! Now, I am afraid none of the heavenly virgins will want to seek my eternal chambers.

Please forgive me as I compose myself here… (tears).

My story may not be typical, but it all started back in this terrorist recruitment program. I was not allowed into this suicide bomber fast track, Saturday program, which was perfect considering my busy goat-herding schedule. However, it was a most embarrassing when I was told I was simply too fat!

When they tried to strap the dynamite around my waist, it was then that they commented “Praise be Allah, how much have you been eating lately – It is like somebody put tow camel humps down the back of your robes?”
They called me FAT CAMEL Butt! I am the shame of my village.

Football Fan’s Diet, please help me! Please show me how to create my own diet plan based on the NFL Season. Can you do that for me? I promise, your death will be most merciful if you can help me lose this unsightly waist line.

I need a diet plan that will help me keep my head, literally!

(Editor’s Note: Unfortunately, we do, on occasion, wallow in stereotypes. But, rest assured, all people are fair game and we are equal opportunist satirist—not Satanists as the Mad Arab would you have you believe. So please – let’s relax.).

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – My foray into the world of Lance Armstrong was enough to leave me on the couch all afternoon yesterday. Yes, I did 25 miles on the bike at North Park, which is a paved and gently cresting, meandering bike and runner’s path around a man-made lake.

It felt great but then I sort of crashed the rest of the day and not much else got done. Ah, wait, there is the metaphor of the path I recalled just now.
You see yesterday I found myself drifting off the path. It was sort of how I was positioned on the bike, the direction I was going, the bend and the speed and all that. In any case, I saw that I was heading off the path before I actually did.

Now, had I wanted, I could have cut the wheel sharply and thus not rode off the path at all. However, that would be taking a chance. I might have crashed totally. It would have been skillful to do yet dicey. What if broke my leg? What if my bike was done? I wouldn’t be exercising for a while.

Instead, I effortlessly let my flight take me off the path and onto a rocky trail, which cut the bend, and led through some trees. Nonetheless, this rocky draw out putt me smoothly back on the bike path, where it picked back up on the other end of this turn. When that happened, something struck me about that incident.

You see sometimes you recognize you are going off the path. Maybe it is your health. Maybe it is something else. You can sense you are no longer headed in the right course. We feel powerless to change. It is like our momentum is too much for us. What should you do? Cut the wheel sharply? Well, sometimes that can lead to a wreck. You don’t want to wreck and take yourself out of the game permanently.

However, say you ride it out smoothly. You let your momentum take you where it is taking you. You resolve to change course on the next immediate chance you get but for now, you roll with what is thrown at you. You don’t resist. You go out and come back again. You pick the trail up and keep on your way.

I guess what I am trying to say is something like “go with the flow.” If you are being taken away from your goals, ride it out. In the long run you will have your chance to pick up the trail naturally (just don’t miss it). Then flow right into your path and the progress you are committed to achieving.

Last week I cut through the woods and am ready to pick back up. I am riding. I will go with it. Hope you will too.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Indeed Saturday was a very enjoyable day and turned out mostly how I imagined it. For the first time, I think I appreciated the weight that I have lost and reaffirmed my commitment to get the job done for once and for all.

Soccer practice was great. My daughter was very good this day. However, the day was not without its rocky spots.

Our babysitter, a family member, seemed to have one too many cold ones. So we had to politely inform them that we decided to take our little one with us because kids were really allowed to attend and we did not really need a babysitter—after all, most wine bars with Blues Bands beginning at 10, are the perfect venues to bring a 6-year-old.

I suspect that said family member realized they made a big oops. However, it must be noted, said family member agreed to watch our daughter on the same day so it was perhaps something not really planned for and it was a welcome gesture that they indeed wanted to help. Heck, everybody deserves an “Oops Card” right?

Nonetheless, it did hamper our evening a bit, but not too much. We got to the place around 8 and left shortly after 10 and really took it easy. We got to hear 3 songs from the Sweaty Betty Blues Band and that was cool. After that, we felt awkward having our little one there. Normally, she is in bed by ten.

We wrapped it up early but still had a good time. And today, I am not singing the blues. I managed to keep Saturday in check, which means I am on a little mini-streak. Will this be the final push? I think so. Stay tuned.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – It is early Saturday morning and I am busy updating web sites. So what else is new? Well, today it is supposed to be a real nice day. What can I do to enjoy it? Well, for one, I will take my daughter to soccer practice. Then, who knows. I am hoping my bike is back from the shop and I can go to North Park and take it for a nice ride.

But, other than that, Saturday is my oyster.

I do have to guard against boredom of all things. Yesterday, I found myself bored to some point, where I needed something, something that really was beckoning for food or beer and for what reason? It is like if you take that away, what is there? Is this the underlying reason why obesity is rooted in some kind of psychological mechanism—to say nothing of poor habit and routine?

I tried playing video games? That was okay for a while? But, didn’t really fulfill me like I wanted.
Ah, when I think back on it, the only true enjoyment yesterday was the walk to the park with the family and our crazy English Setter Coconuts. That was fulfilling. Still, what is it about me that needs to fill in the time with either food or beer? Why must that be the security blanket?

Well, I have not done so much of that lately, but there is still that part of me, that soul searching, that longing for something that needs food as comfort, food to combat boredom. Why? More importantly, how do I defeat those urgings once and for all? A tough question indeed. Well, like I said, Saturday is my oyster. The only question is how many calories are in it?

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Friday is here and with it is a gorgeous weekend weather outlook for Pittsburgh. I have to do something to take advantage of that. Perchance, the dust covered bag of golf clubs seemed to beckon me from the corner of our garage this morning. Say, 72 degrees, sunny outside. Is there a better time to lose golf balls?

Okay, I know I should be talking about football, but, man, football season—the real NFL season—is still a good bit away. Nonetheless, there was talk earlier this week about this year’s 2009 NFL schedule. It gave me goose bumps. Even a whiff of football is good.

I had a remarkably productive day yesterday. It may be attributed to this procrastination tip I stumbled upon. It said in terms of putting things off, think instead that you “want” to do something instead of you “have” to do something. Also, it said, don’t expect perfection. Allow yourself to be human. Then, it advised, schedule your fun time first and then put in all that other stuff in between.

I gave it a shot and what do you know? I got a heck of lot done yesterday. The same advice could be appropriate for getting healthy. Allow yourself to be human. If you stumble, get back up. The only real way to lose is to quit. Don’t expect perfection. Schedule your fun first too. If you want to go to happy hour and slam a couple brews, schedule that first. Then, plan out how you are going to compensate for your caloric Tomfoolery.

Sometimes being human and rolling with it, has its pluses. For instance, earlier this week, I order a toasty roast beef and cheddar sandwich at Quiznos. When the oven gave birth to my lunch meat mash-up, it was turkey instead of the roast beef. The kind lady at the register realized I ordered a roast beef. But, I was like “no problem, I like the turkey just as much.” Problem solved. However, after she thought a second (maybe because I didn’t bitch) she said “give that man an “oops card.”

An “oops card” gets me a free lunch next time I am at the joint, which is quite often. That got me thinking that if you are nice to people in general, then you deserve an “oops card” too. If you screw up your plans to get healthy, give yourself an “oops card” and get right back on it as soon as you can. You deserve it. You didn’t bitch. You simply acknowledged that you fell off the healthy wagon.

On a different subject, I noticed something at the Y lately too. There are noticeably less and less people there when the weather is nice. Good for them. I hope they are enjoying it. I hope that instead of the Y, these absentees are out running in the sun. Oh, jeez, the sun shining in the Burgh. It just doesn’t happen that much around here. Around here, it is as rare as a total eclipse. But, enough about Pittsburgh’s solar shortcomings and how lonely I am at the Y now: how have you been lately? How are your plans to be healthy going? Are you procrastinating? Did you quit? Or, are you going strong? Are you getting enough sun?

I stumbled two weeks in a row, but now I am feeling as if I am getting back that magic. My swagger had been jacked, to borrow a phrase, but it is back. I feel as if my legs are awakening again. They were awake this morning. They wanted to run. The past two weeks, that was not the case and in that time span, I lost twice.

On the whole, I am 7-2. Not too bad. But, I still got a long ways to go. The road will not get any easier with the nice weather and all it will bring. The trick will be to keep that in mind as the sun shines, as my mind wonders at the lonely Y, and as I find every more ways to put off what needs doing now. Well, now I am off to Quiznos with my “Oops card.” Oops. What the hell did I do with it? Son of a B!

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I was at the Y today and I was sluggish and resistant at first on the Stepper. There is nothing unusual about that. However, I noticed something peculiar. The longer I went, the easier it got. But that is always the way it is with anything right?
The first ten minutes, I just wanted to quit. The second ten were a little bit easier because I got past the first segment I suppose. Still, I was loath to continue.

Then I got past the half hour mark and the reverse process kicked in. I wanted to stay on! Finally, I made myself quit after 40 minutes mostly because I got a lot of “things” to do today, like my job and stuff.

I should also note I was the only dummy at the Y this morning. It being that rare temperate and sunny day, the gym-going folk have better things to do. I can understand that. Today is a day that should be enjoyed outside under the sun.

Towards those solar ends, I want to start adding some sort of outdoorsy type of exercise regimen to my current staple of exercise. Not sure what that is at this moment. I do like to bike, but I got to get that rusty contraption down to the local bike shop for a tune up (Me, not the bike). On that note, it is too sunny to be writing on blogs. Bye.