The Football Fan’s Diet

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Very odd, but go figure that the key word driving people to my humble site is “footballer’s diet.” That is interesting but probably no cause for drunken jubilation.

I am not a footballer? I am a football fan. I am a fan of American football and like most middle-aged American male fans of this violent and poetic sport – I got a huge beer gut as a result of my POV from the gladiatorial cheap seat of my game room potato patch. In particular, I am a fan of NFL action? I am a proud Art Rooney-fearing Steelers fan. Goddamn. Here we go Steelers, Here we go!

To be more (Mel) blunt: I am an old ex-high school footballer—eh, football player—from the heralded grounds of Western Pa. Unfortunately, I wasn’t heralded. I was “unheralded.” My name is not Harold. It really is Matt. Matt really is fat. Fat Matt sat on his hat? That is not to disparage ol’ Dr. Seuss. Rather it is an accurate description of my footballer—eh, football days—in Al Bundy heaven: that magical land of Friday night lights, the kingdom in western Pa. we call high school football. That is what I did: I sat on my hat (mostly).

Today, I love watching football. But, I must do something so I am not a fat slob watching football. That “something” is the footballers, eh—The Football Fan’s Freaking Diet! (Feel free to insert your own expletive)

I know diets suck. I know diets are wrong. I know that Kristie Alley might one day maul Oprah if another one of her diets fall. I know that Casey Hampton, a nose tackle for the Steelers, who goes by the name “Big Snack” is a whole lot of man. He is a big freaking snack to say the least – probably closer to 400 bills than his mythical roster weight would indicate.

I am not that big of a snack. Still, I need to get down to the “little appetizer.” To do that, I created the Footballers Diet – damn it, the Football Fan’s Diet. The diet for football loving fans everywhere – whether footballers or football fan’s.

I know all this may come as the machinations of a gluttonous mad man on a mission and not those “Mad Men” on AMC. I mean “Mad Men” as in I am pissed off at my looming large gut, which hangs over the tool like an over-sized shed roof. You see The Football Fan’s Diet is about one day looking down and seeing the tool for the tool box.

The Football Fan’s Diet is more than a diet. It is about actually having to buy a new belt that is smaller thus conserving the cow population. It is about getting off your hat! It is about loving your footballer games and footballer lifestyle – damn it, am I using key words again – it is about playing the game of life like your favorite sports time does. One day Wang in his Chinese province will say “Hey, I have to make smaller pants now – what the fuh is going on over there in America?”.

What is “going on” Wang is the Footballers, eh, Football Fan’s Diet.

The Football Fan’s Diet is about management of your health as if it were some sort of professional football franchise.

The way I see it, it makes for a fun and frivolous metaphor. Although I am reminded of a Clint Eastwood film line: “People that speak in metaphors should wash my balls…” Don’t quote me on that – that is just a paraphrase. And if Clint didn’t say it, someone surely did; and if someone didn’t, I am saying it now.

Anyway, Coach lit a fire under my ass.

Coach’s scathing press conference (preceding blog post) blasted me and my lackadaisical footballer, eh, dammit, football fan’s diet effort I have been putting out as of late. I had spoke out to the media – being you – about the play calling earlier in the week. I blamed my head coach – which is really a metaphor for my brain (Okay, get that sponge away from my bag).

I was pissed at the head coach for his scathing attack on his Prima donna star player: me. I wallowed in the bad movie review for a day but yesterday, a switch flipped, or I flipped. Yesterday: I had the best damn day that I can remember in years in terms of both being healthy and kicking some major ass at the gym. I hit the hamster wheel for over an hour. I even did some weights. God forbid I do some weights.

Speaking of the Almighty: Is it written on a stone tablet that I can’t change my world view from that of a loser to a champion? Is it preordained somewhere that I can’t become a Super Bowl champion? Coach says in ain’t over until the Fat Matt sings. Fat Matt ain’t going to sing – not anymore. Not today. Not for anyone. Not for you footballers looking for a real diet.

In the end, I say “thank you coach.” You lit a fire under my ass and that is no small accomplishment, especially considering its enormous size. But, once size gets going – it is hard to stop. I think that was an Isaac Newton law or something: F=MA. Force equals mass times acceleration. In my book, that is merely a fancy pants way of saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

I am now going!

By Matt’s Inner Coach
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – This is Matt’s Inner Coach here to review Week 3. Week 3 sucked. Matt can talk all he wants about his brain and that he is a monkey’s ass or whatever. He can talk all he wants about changing his head coach. It doesn’t change the fact that in Week 3 Matt got it handed to him. The health wheels had come off the Football Fan’s Diet.

As his Inner Head Coach, I can help him think of the game plan – the mental aspect of living a healthy lifestyle for guys that still want to enjoy football. You can like and enjoy football, TV, basketball, golf, whatever and still be healthy. It is possible. That is what the Football Fan’s Diet is all about. However, he still needs to do the damn thing. Something in him needs to make him do it. For crying out loud, this guy has every excuse in the world.

I am pissed at him about last week’s lost. I could see it coming like a fullback on third and short. He lost the last 3 days of Week 2 and that was as sign of a bad week to come. It came. It all stemmed from that atrocious effort from that disastrous Friday in Week 2. He got killed. He gave up. Then he got outscored 10 of the next 12 days. This coming on the heels of a 14-day winning streak!

I could kick his dumb ass sometimes. He can sit there and say he wants to read this new book or that – he needs to get in the game and start scoring. You score by taking it to your Inner Fat Slob. You score by going to the gym and making healthy choices. He should stay way from the beer for a while too. That Friday of beer was his doom.

Luckily, he has appeared to turn it around. The past three days have been shutouts. But, it is Friday. What is he going to do this Friday that will be different?

To be a champion, he needs to work like one now in the preseason. It will not get any easier in the regular season. And despite what he wants to do about his Inner Head Coach, he is stuck with his brain. Yes, I am his DAMN brain for better or worse. Ownership is not going to make a change, so he has to put the game plan into action.

Health is an elusive thing for this guy. He has the potential to be healthy day in and day out. We all do. You do to. He has to loose this fat slob identity and assume the identity of a champion. One loss in preseason does not a season make, but it is going to be a long season and there will be many weeks ahead. I am not saying there won’t be challenges, but if he works hard now, good things will happen. The talent is there. The motivation is there.

I am reminded of an old line from the Paul Newman film The Hustler. When Burt Gordon (George C. Scott) is asked if Fast Eddie Felson (Paul Newman) can beat a certain fellow, he responds something to the effect “Yes, he can beat him. Will he beat him. That is a different question for Eddie.”

That is a different question for Matt. That’s it I am out of here. No more questions.

I was at Barnes and Noble earlier today and noticed an interesting book on the “food for thought” table: Change Your Brain, Change Your Body.

It looked like quite an interesting read so I did what I always do at Barnes and Noble. Grabbed the book, took a seat in the coffee shop area and perused it; see if it might be worth buying.

Well, I will tell you, Change Your Brain, Change Your Body is a most interesting approach to effectively getting off the “Yo-Yo Dieting” syndrome. It basically claims that your brain is the root of all your flab and other issues for that matter. After all, it is your brain that decided to eat that cheeseburger or drink that beer. You need to change that brain before you can truly stick to any sort of new lifestyle. Short of giving myself a lobotomy, I am convinced there has got to be a way to change my brain for the better.

So running with my football analogy: the brain is your head coach. Do you have a good coach or one that needs to be fired? I think my brain/head coach needs to be fired. It too often calls dumb plays. Can I change my brain much like making a head coaching change in the NFL?

I have had notions lately that the reason weight loss and healthy living is always a tough battle for me and for countless other is that my brain and theirs believes it should be tough. I suppose this falls in the realm of cognitive behavioral psychology but it does appear to hold much truth. My brain believes I will feel better in the short term if I sabotage it.

Thank you brain! What a great coach you are. You ignore my “game plans” and exchange them for the immediate gratification of the cheeseburger and beer. You are a bad brain. With apologies to Young Frankenstein, who the hell do I have for a head coach: “Abby Normal?”

I haven’t read much of the book yet. However, I plan to go back later this week, read some more of it and if it seems like the book is just the thing to jump start my Football Fan’s Diet, then I will buy it and I will try it. I plunk down the change to change my brain. Far from being a brainless act, I am beginning to think this the move of a heady quarterback.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I oftentimes have very bizarre creative ideas, which bare weird bitter fruit. But eventually, if you unwrap enough Wanka bars, you will get a “golden ticket” eventually. Maybe that is a very poor analogy but then again football and health might just be a poorer analogy. But, it is a fun analogy. I like football therefore I can like living healthy if I equate the two as being the same. That is the purpose of the Football Fan’s Diet. If you like football, then you can like being healthy.

Anyways, I lost yesterday but today I feel surprisingly in good spirits. I think I hit upon something about long term health. It really is a function of good behavior and this was hammered home when I was watching the greatest sports mea culpa in my memory: Tiger Woods apologizing for his behavior.

That was truly amazing to watch. How could a man who was on top of the world of sports months ago fall so far and so fast. All resulting from his behavior. He then wandered into the realm of reconnecting with Buddhism and finding a balance and center in his life as opposed to, eh, balancing two girls at a time literally and figuratively.

But man, isn’t it twisted how learned behavior can powerfully move you forward or wreck just about everything else in your life. I mean I have to think seriously that my behavior of dealing with stress by indulging in trash food makes no sense. But, time and again, I do this. Despite the fact I really like to exercise and find myself at the gym quite often, I still undo it all. It is just that I have established this powerful connection between eating and relaxing, which is hard to stop. Granted I don’t have to lose hundreds of pounds but I do have to lose a good bit. I will admit, at least 50lbs got to go. The belly has got to go.

And what is the price of this continued poor behavior? One day I could have a heart attack and that is all she wrote for the Football Fan’s Diet. Then I would not be around to play with my kids. Even if I straggle along overweight then how will I ever catch those kids when they become fast. I will at least give myself credit on one point. I have never accepted this condition. I just haven’t figured out how to crack it yet.

So this is my mea culpa.

I need to change my behavior so that it engenders health. My behavior is my fault and it is not in alignment with the vision I have for myself of being healthy, fit and active. I need to find new outlets to deal with the routine stress that life brings and I now realize that can only happen with substantial behavioral change. I need to feed the hungry within me with something nutritious in terms of spirit. I will have to do a lot of research into that area – be it spiritual or on the football field of daily life – wandering from hash mark to hash mark, calling different plays, punting when necessary and blitzing if the oportunity presents itself.

My defense and my offensive playbook need to change. I have the talent. I need to change the plays somehow. So right now I plan to do an end around reverse, statute of liberty, deep long ball against my inner fat slob, the inner vacuous place where I continually feel the need to shovel in the grub. Its going to change and when true change comes only then will the dynasty begin. True change is the golden ticket.

Thank you Tiger Woods. I hope it helps your golf game and your marriage life for that matter. I don’t think you won over to many females with your mea culpa at least if my wife and her friends are any barometer, but I hope that behavior change works out for you. I can surely empathize with having one area in life that is out of alignment. For me, it is health. Unfortunately, I don’t have any of the trappings of fame and fortune to at least mitigate some of it – okay, I being silly there. A problem is a problem.

As for me. Behavior change just could be the fundamental golden ticket that can help get me back in alignment and back on track to realize that vision of myself that I still cling too despite my repeated failings. That vision of the champion, of having lived a different life, one pursued to my own tune – that is where I need to be and that is my ultimate Super Bowl trophy. Change starts today and if done well will lead to Canton. If done poorly… Well, I just might have to pay someone to catch my kids.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am starting to really believe the connection between food and mood. When I starve myself, I get cranky as all hell. When I eat nutritiously, my mood improves dramatically. Why then will I sometimes indulge only to fell worse by doing so in the long run?

What sort of mental key then is the right food? Easy answer: it is the key. But, even the right food doesn’t get rid of your stress? So how should we deal with stress if the stress has been historically dealt with by consuming high caloric and non-nutritious foods?

Therein lies the pork rub.

As of this posting, I am back from the gym, which is good. Tuesday and Wednesday I lost badly. Wednesday I lost big time. All of it stems from the past Friday which put me into a tailspin of which, at least as of this posting, I finally feel like I am coming out of. It’s tough. Momma said there will be days like this.

I can get this week back on track today and have a good weekend to boot. That should at least minimize the poorly played FFD I put on display the past few days. The past few days had me in a bad mood. But, today, I ate right and am thinking right. I feel good. I feel positive. I feel hopeful.

It makes me think: It is not “You are what you eat.” The dude is his food and mood.

By Matt’s Inner Coach
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am happy to report that this tub of guts, Matt, showed a modest weight loss for last week, despite living like a pig from Friday to Sunday. We got the win, yes, but that weekend is cause for great concern.

Champions don’t stuff themselves and drink beer like this fat bastard did on Friday. Worse, he mailed it in and other than shoveling snow, did nothing so much as shovel food.

I am tough on this guy becuase he has potential. During Week 2, I didn’t necessarily see it. We got the win yes, but this guy set his expectations for the season lower than the last one. So that does not really impress me much. It’s time this guy gets up off of his fat ass and puts in a full week.

The work he does now, will pay off later. Any questions?

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – And so it goes that on Monday, I was able to recover. It was not easy, but I did. In fact, I thought it would be an excellent day but then in the evening the family just had to have a pizza delivered. Oh, Pizza – you are like my Kryptonite.

Nonetheless, I stayed within my game day objective. So, I got the win, which is the important thing. The scale was pretty much where it was the day before but that fact doesn’t bother me much. If anything, it has inspired me—as I write this at least—to make the damn needle move for a change. I am tired of hitting the mark. I want to do something to really get going and make up for those three unforgiven days.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Happy Valentine’s Day to all you football lovers out there. May your favorite Pro team loose by a field goal to the Steelers in next year’s Super Bowl.

My winning streak ended. The past 2 days got away from me. Beer was the culprit Friday, which led to a very laid back day on Saturday. The tough thing to do is get back on the horse when you get bucked off it. That will be my focus now for Sunday.

However, it is Valentine’s Day. Maybe getting back on the horse might be easier said then done. Nonetheless, I must somehow to just that. And, it should be noted, Sunday is wide open. Despite losing Friday and Saturday, it will be a nice thing to head into the coming week with a winning day.

The whistle has blown. The ball is in the air. I got it. Now what I am going to do with it?

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am starting to really get into the new system. Yesterday, I hit the YMCA in the evening. Today, I plan to hit it in again in the morning. I just finished breakfast. Feeling pretty good. Of course that may all change when I open my door to deal with snow and ice once again. But, for now, as I blog, I am. I am feeling good.

Today’s endeavor is to keep it going and not slip. When it starts to feel easy is when you should be on the highest alert. Also, it is at times when you begin to notice slow progress, you get greedy for more. I want to avoid slipping into that mindset where I slowly work myself into a fervor about cutting this, slashing that and avoiding such and such (Naturally, I am talking about food). So I must keep doing what I am doing.

No major plans this weekend that don’t involve a snow shovel. Valentine’s Day is coming but this year we are going to avoid the restaurants so hopefully dealing with piles of good grub will not be an issue. Football is over. There is basketball, but it ain’t quite the same. Nothing to do but keep on keeping on.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – There is not much to report that is dramatically different than yesterday’s post. It is cold. We are snowed in. School is canceled – again! I had another winning day on the Football Fan’s Diet (the perfect diet for beer-loving football fans everywhere). And, once again, it was a moderate win. Nothing fancy. Nothing sexy. Just a day of fairly mindful eating. I did get some exercise in the form of shoveling snow for about an hour.

I have updated the Box Scores section and the Current Record section so if you are interested in seeing how to score a season on the Football Fan’s Diet, I think you will find it fairly obvious after taking a quick peek.

My hope today is that the YMCA is open. I am feeling geared up to get back into the gym routine. Maybe then my strategy of “striving to hit the mark” will prove to have merit. This strategy, in case you haven’t been reading lately, involves shooting for a caloric level on a daily basis that should approximate what a man already at my ideal weight should be consuming. My theory is A) I won’t go hungry – since I am giving my body the food to fuel its natural weight; and B) I will starve off, albeit slowly, the weight I shouldn’t be maintaining, which is some 75-lbs worth of dangling beer gut and love handle workmanship.

I am hoping the key lies in the aforementioned Point A. You see early last year when I did achieve some significant success on the Football Fan’s Diet, there were many times I recall where I simply caved into my strict regimen. This usually resulted in nasty “red streaks” of simply not caring about health and eating whatever I want. I thought hard about how to prevent such streaks from even happening. The only thing I can think that might do it, is really establishing a Daily Game Day Objective that is “livable and satisfying” and not so draconian as to be unsustainable.

I think zeroing in on a caloric level for a man at my ideal weight might be the key. After all, you would think such a level would naturally keep me satisfied and content. You would also think, or hope perhaps, that the human body will simply “ignore” the extra weight you are not feeding and hence relegate it back to fuel. It is my theory.

So far, after a couple weeks, I have not experienced any evidence yet that this theory does not hold beer. I am going on 14 days straight of meeting my more modest “livable and satisfying” Daily Game Day objective. I am slowly and in decremental steps, losing some flab. More importantly, I have not been hungry and have been able to enjoy a beer or two. Now, if that is fine living, I have no idea what the hell is.