The Football Fan’s Diet

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – This may come as a relatively bizarre posting but I am slowly starting to realize something about gym room etiquette.

There are certain unspoken rules so to speak, which perhaps have never been more clearly articulated then perhaps on one particular episode of Seinfeld when George was caught urinating on the men’s room communal shower floor of the local gym. He was called out as the “Urinator.” He broke the rules – the unspoken rules of gymnasium etiquette.

I am not sure what follows is similar.

I go to a small gym. It is a YMCA—with no shower facilities mind you (you get in and you get out). It does have a small men’s room, which serves as a de facto locker room.

The other day, someone dropped a major bomb in the men’s room. I mean this was a bunker buster. This was an IED floater too big to spiral down to China. Whoever was responsible, clearly created an olfactory Hurt Locker for the rest of us gym rats. Worse, they left it unattended for us unfortunate enough to happen into the men’s room while they presumably worked off the comets tail on the treadmill or stationery bike. I won’t say size is anything to talk about but the YMCA might have to skip the plumbers and call those Axe men dudes from the history channel. This was one myth-busting log.

There was only a handful of people in the gym so the culprit had to be close at hand – either on the stair master or using one of the machines. Was it the fat guy on the stair climber? (Wait – that is me looking in the mirror). Thankfully, no one was doing the ab cruncher — you never know about collateral damage when some “unexploded ordinance” might detonate.

How someone could be so full on the way to the gym? Yes, I give them credit for going to the gym — but man — what manner of man hog works out with a Thanksgiving feast composting in the belly before hand? Towards those ends, is there some unspoken protocol that is being violated here?

If so, what are the unspoken rules of gym room crop dusting, carpet bombing and the occasional bunker buster? I would imagine one should open the B-52 hatch before going to the gym.

I will not go so far as to label anyone a “Urinator” as it happened in Seinfeld. But, there clearly is a “Unabomber” on the loose.

I am wondering then what other unspoken rules of the gym exist. What are the things to do and not to do that you will not find spelled out on any “Club Rules” poster. Yes, you should wipe the machine down when done but what else? We all know you shouldn’t stand close to a naked man – good advice outside the gym too. I would love to post a list here on this site for further discussion so I encourage you to think of some things and post them here.

Finally, if it was YOU that did it. I implore you to do the right thing: get that thing checked and turn yourself into the YMCA authorities.