The Football Fan’s Diet

A Fake Testimonial From Our Friend: The Mad Arab!

AN UNDISCLOSED LAWLESS REGION SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE PAKISTAN – The Football Fan’s Diet is no life saver you infidels. It promotes the lifestyle of the Great Satan that each of you Yankees are, you Miller-Lite Drinking, Football-Watching, SUV-driving, Sons-of-diseased-goats — your days are numbered. It just so happens that you need to be wiped off the face of the Earth.

Now, I am not one to do that, but I am actively involved in a nuclear program, designed for peaceful means no less, but, this program could theoretically, do just that. So don’t piss me off! You diet at my mercy Football Fan’s Diet!

I might start my own site but instead of Football Fan’s Diet, I will lose that ‘T’ and my site will be called simply “Football Fan’s Die.” How do you like those pomegranates?

(Okay, are all the mad mullahs gone? Good.)

How exactly does it work? I mean, how should I set my Daily Game Day objective? And, when should I start my season? I will have to admit, some, not me, think this is a great way to lose weight. It is my hope you can help me with my problem. I promise, I will make your death merciful in return.
You see, I am very sad on the inside. I admit when I wallow in doubt, I turn to goat cheese and, well, creme filled yellow sponge cakes.

As a consequence of my uncontrollable appetite, I have really ballooned up in the past few years. I curse my weakness for your damnable Twinkies! Now, I am afraid none of the heavenly virgins will want to seek my eternal chambers.

Please forgive me as I compose myself here… (tears).

My story may not be typical, but it all started back in this terrorist recruitment program. I was not allowed into this suicide bomber fast track, Saturday program, which was perfect considering my busy goat-herding schedule. However, it was a most embarrassing when I was told I was simply too fat!

When they tried to strap the dynamite around my waist, it was then that they commented “Praise be Allah, how much have you been eating lately – It is like somebody put tow camel humps down the back of your robes?”
They called me FAT CAMEL Butt! I am the shame of my village.

Football Fan’s Diet, please help me! Please show me how to create my own diet plan based on the NFL Season. Can you do that for me? I promise, your death will be most merciful if you can help me lose this unsightly waist line.

I need a diet plan that will help me keep my head, literally!

(Editor’s Note: Unfortunately, we do, on occasion, wallow in stereotypes. But, rest assured, all people are fair game and we are equal opportunist satirist—not Satanists as the Mad Arab would you have you believe. So please – let’s relax.).

When I first heard of the Football Fan’s Diet, I was thinking immediately here was the diet for me. What I really liked it about, it was a diet and most importantly, it mentioned football and I am a pig – so it seemed perfect. Did I mention I am a diehard Baltimore Ravens fan?

I have always been involved in fantasy football and in some ways; this diet seems like just that – a fantasy. I thought that it was a joke that I could eat everything I wanted and “still gain weight.” However, if truth be told, I ate everything and anything in sight and it worked.

As I continued this approach, the unsightly flab showed in my hips and in other parts of my bulbous and porky fat body.

Using the Football Fan Diet approach, I put on another unsightly ring of blubber around my pear shaped bodice. I wonder if after my inevitable coronary, the autopsy folks will find clues to my dieting past much a like an anthropologist learns about, I don’t know, wood and stuff by looking at tree rings?

Life isn’t all good. I am at a loss now because department stores typically don’t carry my waist size for a guy my height and tonnage. I started going to Casual Male and soon outgrew this store. So, I now order pant-sizes at Goodyear.

Right now I wear a PS220, R46 All-Season Radial around my waist.

Did I tell you I have come to accept that I will never have a meaningful relationship with anything but my hand?

My daughter doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I know she is finally over the fact I granted Ray Lewis rights of Prima Nocta should he had ever considered my bastard children a suitable ball and chain but when she learned I was doing the Football Fan’s Diet, she threatened to have me involuntarily committed. Hmm. The last time I was involuntarily committed was the shot gun wedding to her mother!

The Football Fan’s Diet may not have only saved my life; it may have ended the pathetic thing even more prematurely than my lifestyle would have dictated otherwise.

I would write more but my French fries are getting cold. The nacho cheese is congealing as well and I think that my puke bucket is where I dropped the remote control when I feel asleep during the Steelers ass whipping of the Chargers last week. I better go get it now, before I have a heart attack or something. I sure hope it comes before the Steelers roll over the Ravens in this week’s AFC Championship game. Once again, thank you Football Fan’s Diet. You are a life ender!

Bob The Slob
Baltimore, Maryland