The Football Fan’s Diet

By Matt’s Inner Coach
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I have to hand it to this fat tub of guts. He put in an exceptional week to finish the preseason, the likes of which he has not done before. He essentially put up 70 points and goose-egged his Inner Fat slob with zeros across the board (or days). Just when I thought this guy was going to wimp out, he surprised the heck out of me.

Let’s quickly review what happened this preseason on Season IV of the Football Fan’s Diet….

Week 1: Win, 58-9

The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV quite handily and Matt did the same by running roughshod over his Inner Fat Slob tallying 58 points and giving up only 3 fields goals, which really are beer drinking days according to this guy’s system. All in all, it was a great first week. Matt got out of the gate to a good start. This week was an A.

Week 2: Win, 37-27

For the most part, the success from the previous week continued. Matt hit the YMCA with regularity. I see the only beer day for a while occurred on Thursday of that week. However, at this point, the shit hit the fan.

Friday Matt got his ass kicked by his Inner Fat slob after he was up 4 days on the week.

Yes, he escaped with the win, but only because there were not more days to play in this game. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were all losses. Friday in particular was very bad and unhealthy. In fact, it was down right dangerous. Matt drank way too much beer. Luckily, he was smart enough to walk home that evening from the local horse that ran him over.

Still, why did this guy go out and sabotage all he had worked hard for? The heart of champion was clearly missing. Champions don’t do things like that. Champions put up wins. This was giving up for a day and then packing it in the rest of the week. Even though Matt escaped with the win, there was nothing to really be proud of in my book. It came back to bite him in hte ass next week too. This week was a D. It would have been an F had he not won with 4 decent days prior to packing it in. Still, a win is a win.

Week 3: Loss, 23-38

This poor week was the direct result of the previous poor work ethic and dedication. I will say there were 2 days in there that were wins but all in all, the previous weeks loss proved a lingering dark cloud over this week. And, if we went back and included the last weekend with all 7 days this week, what a pathetic showing of loser football and health: only 2 winning days out of 10 possible! If you ask me, Matt should have taken the loss for the previous week as well. Grade for week D-.

Week4: Win, 47-14

Okay, this week, Matt came back. Monday appeared to be the last vestige of the pitiful 11 day stretch of poor eating and health to say nothing of wallowing in shame and feelings of inadequacy. This guy needed a wake up call and I think he started getting the message. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were 10-0 shutout days respectively. Yes, there was a loss on a Friday, but it didn’t involve beer and it was not a harbinger of more bad things to come. In fact, it was sort of remarkable in that it was an isolated score by his inner fat slob. On major issue Matt must work on is when he does give up a score, to go out and get that momentum right back. In years past and as the previous horrid week demonstrated, when Matt losses momentum he really looses it. The same pattern could well explain why this fat slob is prone to Yo-Yo dieting. He needs to learn, there will be days when his Inner Fat Slob runs it back for a score. The trick is to get the ball back and execute the game plan. Talent will overcome that Inner Fat Slob but only if Matt lets it. I give this fat slob a B+ for finally pulling out of the tailspin.

Week 5: Win, 70-0

This week Matt dominated his Inner Fat Slob like a true champion. Each day including those weekend ones, were goose eggs for his Inner Fat Slob.

In fact, never before had Matt put out such an offensive display while matching it with equally dominating defensive play. This was the best week this guy ever had on the Football Fan’s Diet. It is showing too.

The scale is going down for this guy. How much? Well, leave it for the end of the season, but I will say this: very impressive. If he can do this week in and week out, he will truly be the man he wants to be health wise. He will get that Super Bowl of health. However, now the regular season starts. It won’t be so easy now. And, in Season III, it should be noted, he got off to a great start but in the second half of the season, he feel into mediocre football and healthy living. His talent carried him to the playoffs but he was shot by the end of hte regular season. What will he do differently this time around? This was and A+ effort. Super Bowl champions put in weeks like this.

Overall Preseason Report Card

Matt gets a B+ for the preseason. The last week he put in was unprecedented. Were it not for that, his preseason report card was looking very average. Still, there is much work to be done for the Regular Season. It remains to be seen if he can put up many more performances just like last week. He will need to if he wants to hoist that Lombardi this year. There is much to be excited about. The potential is there. It is a matter of having the champions heart and dedication. Champions are made in the preseason. But, now the regular season is upon us. Time to get going.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – This may come as a relatively bizarre posting but I am slowly starting to realize something about gym room etiquette.

There are certain unspoken rules so to speak, which perhaps have never been more clearly articulated then perhaps on one particular episode of Seinfeld when George was caught urinating on the men’s room communal shower floor of the local gym. He was called out as the “Urinator.” He broke the rules – the unspoken rules of gymnasium etiquette.

I am not sure what follows is similar.

I go to a small gym. It is a YMCA—with no shower facilities mind you (you get in and you get out). It does have a small men’s room, which serves as a de facto locker room.

The other day, someone dropped a major bomb in the men’s room. I mean this was a bunker buster. This was an IED floater too big to spiral down to China. Whoever was responsible, clearly created an olfactory Hurt Locker for the rest of us gym rats. Worse, they left it unattended for us unfortunate enough to happen into the men’s room while they presumably worked off the comets tail on the treadmill or stationery bike. I won’t say size is anything to talk about but the YMCA might have to skip the plumbers and call those Axe men dudes from the history channel. This was one myth-busting log.

There was only a handful of people in the gym so the culprit had to be close at hand – either on the stair master or using one of the machines. Was it the fat guy on the stair climber? (Wait – that is me looking in the mirror). Thankfully, no one was doing the ab cruncher — you never know about collateral damage when some “unexploded ordinance” might detonate.

How someone could be so full on the way to the gym? Yes, I give them credit for going to the gym — but man — what manner of man hog works out with a Thanksgiving feast composting in the belly before hand? Towards those ends, is there some unspoken protocol that is being violated here?

If so, what are the unspoken rules of gym room crop dusting, carpet bombing and the occasional bunker buster? I would imagine one should open the B-52 hatch before going to the gym.

I will not go so far as to label anyone a “Urinator” as it happened in Seinfeld. But, there clearly is a “Unabomber” on the loose.

I am wondering then what other unspoken rules of the gym exist. What are the things to do and not to do that you will not find spelled out on any “Club Rules” poster. Yes, you should wipe the machine down when done but what else? We all know you shouldn’t stand close to a naked man – good advice outside the gym too. I would love to post a list here on this site for further discussion so I encourage you to think of some things and post them here.

Finally, if it was YOU that did it. I implore you to do the right thing: get that thing checked and turn yourself into the YMCA authorities.

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am showing some signs of success. I am mimicking quite closely the patterns that I developed last year when I went on that famed 16-day winning streak, yet to be repeated (even close for that matter). I know I am doing this because I have all this data from last year and I can see that I am quite clearly following in my fat tracks from last yer. Why I am doing it now versus some other time since, I am still trying to solve.

Because I am a complete moron and know very little about what makes me tick – is probably the reason.

Towards those ends, I am looking toward my end. No not my fat rear end, but my end as in “I am the end all and be all” of my health and the beginning for that matter. I think why I had success for such a prolonged period of time last year was because I simply got sick of not winning and willed myself on to a good 16 day winning streak of healthy living. But, I didn’t solve the problem of why I was fat to begin with.

With all apologies to The Great Bard: by the prickling of my fast food thumb, something greasy this way comes – and lots of it: burgers, hot dogs, donuts. The train goes on.

I still have not solved the crux of my unhealthy habits but I believe it is a deep inward journey that must be taken to deal with behavioral issues, which cause one to associate food with comfort. But, I can see why that prolonged, dare I say, daily sustainability of a healthy lifestyle rooted on bad mental linkages is nearly impossible to keep up.

I need to solve those personal issues at the heart of my health problem before I can live day in and day out as one sky is blue healthy and happy as any nut in the nut house football fan.

My focus has been on exactly that lately. I have been reading and surfing the net and generally finding comfort in the daily interactions of my family and work. I have even mediated. In doing so, I have to wonder if somehow I am affecting some sort of healing process for deep rooted wounds of which I am not fully aware?

Maybe I was abducted by aliens as a kid and they pencil-necked aliens took all my cotton freaking candy? Maybe some bully stepped on my corn dog? I do recall once my brother farting on my cereal bowl while feigning to bend over and change the TV channel. That couldn’t have perverted my relationship with food – could it?

I am not looking for something more. I am not filling a void with food and beer. It almost makes one think about all overweight people. Are all overweight people secretly unhappy people?

I won’t go on to make any judgments about anyone’s football franchise but my own. It is enough that I must manage my own healthy team. I have to get me ready to play the game of life in a healthy manner. I have to win that Super Bowl of Life.

So in the wake of my silly musings the past few posts, I leave this one at that: a more reflective pause as I continue to work hard during Week 5 of Preseason of The Football Fan’s Diet. Week 5 – already. Wow.

One change of significance I have made this week is go Au Naturel. No, I am not talking about running around the office buck naked. Hell, I surely don’t want the global divorce rate to go up any higher. What I am talking about is getting rid of a certain caloric level that says I must be under X to be healthy. I mean getting beyond I must not eat X or I am not healthy. I must not have more than X amount of beers. I must do X and then X and only then X. You get the point.

I am toying with the notion of the Au Naturel Daily Game Day objective. This is you say to yourself at the end of the day “Yes, I deserved a Touch Down for how I lived today.” Period. End of story. Okay, I still dole out field goals for exercising and beer. However, in the end, I truly will know when I was healthy.

Yesterday for instance. I didn’t need to measure anything. I just ate healthy, went to the gym, walked the dog and walked some more. I clearly knew at the end of the day that the day had been well spent. I deserved a touch down for it. I gave myself the touch down and when I stepped on that scale in the morning what do you freaking know? That scale went down baby. In fact, I have done this Au Naturel method for a several days know and it is working. My X is not happy about that. But, to hell with my X.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Very odd, but go figure that the key word driving people to my humble site is “footballer’s diet.” That is interesting but probably no cause for drunken jubilation.

I am not a footballer? I am a football fan. I am a fan of American football and like most middle-aged American male fans of this violent and poetic sport – I got a huge beer gut as a result of my POV from the gladiatorial cheap seat of my game room potato patch. In particular, I am a fan of NFL action? I am a proud Art Rooney-fearing Steelers fan. Goddamn. Here we go Steelers, Here we go!

To be more (Mel) blunt: I am an old ex-high school footballer—eh, football player—from the heralded grounds of Western Pa. Unfortunately, I wasn’t heralded. I was “unheralded.” My name is not Harold. It really is Matt. Matt really is fat. Fat Matt sat on his hat? That is not to disparage ol’ Dr. Seuss. Rather it is an accurate description of my footballer—eh, football days—in Al Bundy heaven: that magical land of Friday night lights, the kingdom in western Pa. we call high school football. That is what I did: I sat on my hat (mostly).

Today, I love watching football. But, I must do something so I am not a fat slob watching football. That “something” is the footballers, eh—The Football Fan’s Freaking Diet! (Feel free to insert your own expletive)

I know diets suck. I know diets are wrong. I know that Kristie Alley might one day maul Oprah if another one of her diets fall. I know that Casey Hampton, a nose tackle for the Steelers, who goes by the name “Big Snack” is a whole lot of man. He is a big freaking snack to say the least – probably closer to 400 bills than his mythical roster weight would indicate.

I am not that big of a snack. Still, I need to get down to the “little appetizer.” To do that, I created the Footballers Diet – damn it, the Football Fan’s Diet. The diet for football loving fans everywhere – whether footballers or football fan’s.

I know all this may come as the machinations of a gluttonous mad man on a mission and not those “Mad Men” on AMC. I mean “Mad Men” as in I am pissed off at my looming large gut, which hangs over the tool like an over-sized shed roof. You see The Football Fan’s Diet is about one day looking down and seeing the tool for the tool box.

The Football Fan’s Diet is more than a diet. It is about actually having to buy a new belt that is smaller thus conserving the cow population. It is about getting off your hat! It is about loving your footballer games and footballer lifestyle – damn it, am I using key words again – it is about playing the game of life like your favorite sports time does. One day Wang in his Chinese province will say “Hey, I have to make smaller pants now – what the fuh is going on over there in America?”.

What is “going on” Wang is the Footballers, eh, Football Fan’s Diet.

The Football Fan’s Diet is about management of your health as if it were some sort of professional football franchise.

The way I see it, it makes for a fun and frivolous metaphor. Although I am reminded of a Clint Eastwood film line: “People that speak in metaphors should wash my balls…” Don’t quote me on that – that is just a paraphrase. And if Clint didn’t say it, someone surely did; and if someone didn’t, I am saying it now.

Anyway, Coach lit a fire under my ass.

Coach’s scathing press conference (preceding blog post) blasted me and my lackadaisical footballer, eh, dammit, football fan’s diet effort I have been putting out as of late. I had spoke out to the media – being you – about the play calling earlier in the week. I blamed my head coach – which is really a metaphor for my brain (Okay, get that sponge away from my bag).

I was pissed at the head coach for his scathing attack on his Prima donna star player: me. I wallowed in the bad movie review for a day but yesterday, a switch flipped, or I flipped. Yesterday: I had the best damn day that I can remember in years in terms of both being healthy and kicking some major ass at the gym. I hit the hamster wheel for over an hour. I even did some weights. God forbid I do some weights.

Speaking of the Almighty: Is it written on a stone tablet that I can’t change my world view from that of a loser to a champion? Is it preordained somewhere that I can’t become a Super Bowl champion? Coach says in ain’t over until the Fat Matt sings. Fat Matt ain’t going to sing – not anymore. Not today. Not for anyone. Not for you footballers looking for a real diet.

In the end, I say “thank you coach.” You lit a fire under my ass and that is no small accomplishment, especially considering its enormous size. But, once size gets going – it is hard to stop. I think that was an Isaac Newton law or something: F=MA. Force equals mass times acceleration. In my book, that is merely a fancy pants way of saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

I am now going!

By Matt’s Inner Coach
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – This is Matt’s Inner Coach here to review Week 3. Week 3 sucked. Matt can talk all he wants about his brain and that he is a monkey’s ass or whatever. He can talk all he wants about changing his head coach. It doesn’t change the fact that in Week 3 Matt got it handed to him. The health wheels had come off the Football Fan’s Diet.

As his Inner Head Coach, I can help him think of the game plan – the mental aspect of living a healthy lifestyle for guys that still want to enjoy football. You can like and enjoy football, TV, basketball, golf, whatever and still be healthy. It is possible. That is what the Football Fan’s Diet is all about. However, he still needs to do the damn thing. Something in him needs to make him do it. For crying out loud, this guy has every excuse in the world.

I am pissed at him about last week’s lost. I could see it coming like a fullback on third and short. He lost the last 3 days of Week 2 and that was as sign of a bad week to come. It came. It all stemmed from that atrocious effort from that disastrous Friday in Week 2. He got killed. He gave up. Then he got outscored 10 of the next 12 days. This coming on the heels of a 14-day winning streak!

I could kick his dumb ass sometimes. He can sit there and say he wants to read this new book or that – he needs to get in the game and start scoring. You score by taking it to your Inner Fat Slob. You score by going to the gym and making healthy choices. He should stay way from the beer for a while too. That Friday of beer was his doom.

Luckily, he has appeared to turn it around. The past three days have been shutouts. But, it is Friday. What is he going to do this Friday that will be different?

To be a champion, he needs to work like one now in the preseason. It will not get any easier in the regular season. And despite what he wants to do about his Inner Head Coach, he is stuck with his brain. Yes, I am his DAMN brain for better or worse. Ownership is not going to make a change, so he has to put the game plan into action.

Health is an elusive thing for this guy. He has the potential to be healthy day in and day out. We all do. You do to. He has to loose this fat slob identity and assume the identity of a champion. One loss in preseason does not a season make, but it is going to be a long season and there will be many weeks ahead. I am not saying there won’t be challenges, but if he works hard now, good things will happen. The talent is there. The motivation is there.

I am reminded of an old line from the Paul Newman film The Hustler. When Burt Gordon (George C. Scott) is asked if Fast Eddie Felson (Paul Newman) can beat a certain fellow, he responds something to the effect “Yes, he can beat him. Will he beat him. That is a different question for Eddie.”

That is a different question for Matt. That’s it I am out of here. No more questions.

I was at Barnes and Noble earlier today and noticed an interesting book on the “food for thought” table: Change Your Brain, Change Your Body.

It looked like quite an interesting read so I did what I always do at Barnes and Noble. Grabbed the book, took a seat in the coffee shop area and perused it; see if it might be worth buying.

Well, I will tell you, Change Your Brain, Change Your Body is a most interesting approach to effectively getting off the “Yo-Yo Dieting” syndrome. It basically claims that your brain is the root of all your flab and other issues for that matter. After all, it is your brain that decided to eat that cheeseburger or drink that beer. You need to change that brain before you can truly stick to any sort of new lifestyle. Short of giving myself a lobotomy, I am convinced there has got to be a way to change my brain for the better.

So running with my football analogy: the brain is your head coach. Do you have a good coach or one that needs to be fired? I think my brain/head coach needs to be fired. It too often calls dumb plays. Can I change my brain much like making a head coaching change in the NFL?

I have had notions lately that the reason weight loss and healthy living is always a tough battle for me and for countless other is that my brain and theirs believes it should be tough. I suppose this falls in the realm of cognitive behavioral psychology but it does appear to hold much truth. My brain believes I will feel better in the short term if I sabotage it.

Thank you brain! What a great coach you are. You ignore my “game plans” and exchange them for the immediate gratification of the cheeseburger and beer. You are a bad brain. With apologies to Young Frankenstein, who the hell do I have for a head coach: “Abby Normal?”

I haven’t read much of the book yet. However, I plan to go back later this week, read some more of it and if it seems like the book is just the thing to jump start my Football Fan’s Diet, then I will buy it and I will try it. I plunk down the change to change my brain. Far from being a brainless act, I am beginning to think this the move of a heady quarterback.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I oftentimes have very bizarre creative ideas, which bare weird bitter fruit. But eventually, if you unwrap enough Wanka bars, you will get a “golden ticket” eventually. Maybe that is a very poor analogy but then again football and health might just be a poorer analogy. But, it is a fun analogy. I like football therefore I can like living healthy if I equate the two as being the same. That is the purpose of the Football Fan’s Diet. If you like football, then you can like being healthy.

Anyways, I lost yesterday but today I feel surprisingly in good spirits. I think I hit upon something about long term health. It really is a function of good behavior and this was hammered home when I was watching the greatest sports mea culpa in my memory: Tiger Woods apologizing for his behavior.

That was truly amazing to watch. How could a man who was on top of the world of sports months ago fall so far and so fast. All resulting from his behavior. He then wandered into the realm of reconnecting with Buddhism and finding a balance and center in his life as opposed to, eh, balancing two girls at a time literally and figuratively.

But man, isn’t it twisted how learned behavior can powerfully move you forward or wreck just about everything else in your life. I mean I have to think seriously that my behavior of dealing with stress by indulging in trash food makes no sense. But, time and again, I do this. Despite the fact I really like to exercise and find myself at the gym quite often, I still undo it all. It is just that I have established this powerful connection between eating and relaxing, which is hard to stop. Granted I don’t have to lose hundreds of pounds but I do have to lose a good bit. I will admit, at least 50lbs got to go. The belly has got to go.

And what is the price of this continued poor behavior? One day I could have a heart attack and that is all she wrote for the Football Fan’s Diet. Then I would not be around to play with my kids. Even if I straggle along overweight then how will I ever catch those kids when they become fast. I will at least give myself credit on one point. I have never accepted this condition. I just haven’t figured out how to crack it yet.

So this is my mea culpa.

I need to change my behavior so that it engenders health. My behavior is my fault and it is not in alignment with the vision I have for myself of being healthy, fit and active. I need to find new outlets to deal with the routine stress that life brings and I now realize that can only happen with substantial behavioral change. I need to feed the hungry within me with something nutritious in terms of spirit. I will have to do a lot of research into that area – be it spiritual or on the football field of daily life – wandering from hash mark to hash mark, calling different plays, punting when necessary and blitzing if the oportunity presents itself.

My defense and my offensive playbook need to change. I have the talent. I need to change the plays somehow. So right now I plan to do an end around reverse, statute of liberty, deep long ball against my inner fat slob, the inner vacuous place where I continually feel the need to shovel in the grub. Its going to change and when true change comes only then will the dynasty begin. True change is the golden ticket.

Thank you Tiger Woods. I hope it helps your golf game and your marriage life for that matter. I don’t think you won over to many females with your mea culpa at least if my wife and her friends are any barometer, but I hope that behavior change works out for you. I can surely empathize with having one area in life that is out of alignment. For me, it is health. Unfortunately, I don’t have any of the trappings of fame and fortune to at least mitigate some of it – okay, I being silly there. A problem is a problem.

As for me. Behavior change just could be the fundamental golden ticket that can help get me back in alignment and back on track to realize that vision of myself that I still cling too despite my repeated failings. That vision of the champion, of having lived a different life, one pursued to my own tune – that is where I need to be and that is my ultimate Super Bowl trophy. Change starts today and if done well will lead to Canton. If done poorly… Well, I just might have to pay someone to catch my kids.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am starting to really believe the connection between food and mood. When I starve myself, I get cranky as all hell. When I eat nutritiously, my mood improves dramatically. Why then will I sometimes indulge only to fell worse by doing so in the long run?

What sort of mental key then is the right food? Easy answer: it is the key. But, even the right food doesn’t get rid of your stress? So how should we deal with stress if the stress has been historically dealt with by consuming high caloric and non-nutritious foods?

Therein lies the pork rub.

As of this posting, I am back from the gym, which is good. Tuesday and Wednesday I lost badly. Wednesday I lost big time. All of it stems from the past Friday which put me into a tailspin of which, at least as of this posting, I finally feel like I am coming out of. It’s tough. Momma said there will be days like this.

I can get this week back on track today and have a good weekend to boot. That should at least minimize the poorly played FFD I put on display the past few days. The past few days had me in a bad mood. But, today, I ate right and am thinking right. I feel good. I feel positive. I feel hopeful.

It makes me think: It is not “You are what you eat.” The dude is his food and mood.

By Matt’s Inner Coach
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am happy to report that this tub of guts, Matt, showed a modest weight loss for last week, despite living like a pig from Friday to Sunday. We got the win, yes, but that weekend is cause for great concern.

Champions don’t stuff themselves and drink beer like this fat bastard did on Friday. Worse, he mailed it in and other than shoveling snow, did nothing so much as shovel food.

I am tough on this guy becuase he has potential. During Week 2, I didn’t necessarily see it. We got the win yes, but this guy set his expectations for the season lower than the last one. So that does not really impress me much. It’s time this guy gets up off of his fat ass and puts in a full week.

The work he does now, will pay off later. Any questions?

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – And so it goes that on Monday, I was able to recover. It was not easy, but I did. In fact, I thought it would be an excellent day but then in the evening the family just had to have a pizza delivered. Oh, Pizza – you are like my Kryptonite.

Nonetheless, I stayed within my game day objective. So, I got the win, which is the important thing. The scale was pretty much where it was the day before but that fact doesn’t bother me much. If anything, it has inspired me—as I write this at least—to make the damn needle move for a change. I am tired of hitting the mark. I want to do something to really get going and make up for those three unforgiven days.