The Football Fan’s Diet

The Big L

By Matt DeReno
On the FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am in a Borders now having coffee, typing away at my damn Football Fan’s Diet blog. Man, my shorts feel tight. I feel heavy. I feel very unhealthy after this weekend. I need to turn the thing around fast. That thing is my health. When I don’t think it can get worse, it clearly does. How do I do it? What am I missing? I have done it once before and several times actually, but the reason why has proven to be elusive. I will say my Football Fan’s Diet is a good measuring stick of progress, but like any diet, it can’t do the work for you.

I mean I am beginning to doubt if it is possible for me to loose weight. Perhaps the laws of physics not longer apply, or the laws of chemistry, or the laws of donuts, who knows. There must be some way for me to loose weight. There must be some way for me to end the endless thinking about it and a way to actually do it. There must.

Alas, it is Monday. I am at a Borders in North Pittsburgh wondering if this should be my new headquarters for writing out of the house. I do like it. It is much more quiet than Panera Bread. yes, there are all sorts of tempting treats and the coffee is an arm and a leg, but all in all, not a bad place to work. After all, I can use the place as sort of a library.

So as the new job goes, I love it. I am literally doing what I love to do now and that makes a big difference. I am hoping that this new found love for my what I am doing, will help pull my health up along with it. Is that asking too much? I am not sure?

So naturally I am not off to a good start to this season, but I am going to finish this one come hell or low-calorie purified high water.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – And so it continues, the “Weight Less” scoring system is quite interesting. I do know that today, even though the scale showed a slight gain, I was still under my last week’s average and hence, scored a TD. That is a good feeling. And, darn if I just don’t feel a bit lighter today. Darn if the shorts don’t feel a tad looser. Now it must continue.

I have to be “out and about” again. That means being active—very active. In the past few days, I have not even really had the time to think about food. That has to be a good thing. And it just seems that the next meal is here before I even blink an eye. That has to be a good thing too. Still, there is a lot of work to be done today. Better get started now then just sit around and blog about it all day.

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I won the day on the FFD yesterday and enjoyed myself. My exercise included walking a full circle around Ross Park Mall in Pittsburgh. It had to be close to 90 Degrees. I am not sure how many calories I burned, but today, the scale “weighed less.” There was a lot of excitement relating to this walk. You see, I was booted from the Ross Park Mall parking lot.

My crime? I was snapping photos of Ross Park Mall on the outside You see I walked around the darn thing taking pictures for a photo gallery I wanted to put together to promote the North Hills community, of which Ross Park Mall is a major part.

Just about when I was complete, I was told by security that I was not allowed to take any pictures of Ross Park Mall. Ross Park Mall, owned by Simon Properties, is, well, private property. Oh, jeez. I mean this is the outside of the freaking mall? Are malls like those old Indians that believed a picture can steal a piece of your soul? Will Ross Park Mall loose a piece of its retail soul from me taking photos of the parking lot at sunset? What is the big deal? Hmm.

Ross Park Mall does have good reasons for not wanting me to take its picture. People generally don’t like to be in pictures and that means snapping photos could potentially make their customers uncomfortable. A person canvassing the mall taking pictures could be a terrorist right? Or, a photographer on the premise is simply annoying becuase, well, people are there to shop. Who knows why they, the customers, are there anyway: maybe they should be at work? Maybe they are there with someone they shouldn’t be at the mall with? Perhaps most importantly, retailers at these big malls pay millions to tightly maintain their image through sleek marketing campaigns and carefully maintained trademarks and images. Why have some amateur Joe in the parking lot making them look bad with ill-framed, out of focus shots? Or, worse yet, showing some very negative aspect of their product? After all, I only meant to present Ross Park Mall in a positive light, but maybe someone else would not.

Nevertheless, this is America. It seems a bit ridiculous that you could not snap a photo of something so freaking large as a mall with 300 hundred stores in it? And, it seems a welcome gray area that people do have the freedom to express what it is that they see with their very own eyes? I know the mall is private property, but they don’t own my eyes. My camera is merely a time slice of what my eye actually sees and is therefore a recording of my thoughts, perspective, feelings, mood at that particular moment and all that all belongs to me – my mind. Maybe what really is at stake is my “intentions.” Maybe I won’t to profit off these photos? Maybe they are for a scrape book. They can’t control that at all, so it easier to say, “Our property, our rules.”

I did some searches on the Internet and discovered all sorts of opinions about photography and malls. Most dealt with taking photos inside a mall. In the day of the camera phone, what can a mall do but simply tell you not to take pictures? Well, here is what they told me: First, I was told not to take them; then, as I suspected, they were spying on me to see if, as I completed my walk around the mall, I would take more photos. Well, some shots were too good to pass up. So I did squeeze a few more in there of Ross Park Mall. As I was getting into my car, a Ross Park Mall security SUV pulled up in front of me and I thought I was going to be met with a friendly, doughy-faced Paul Blart type of mall cop. Nope. Instead, there was clearly a look of annoyance on this individual’s face (who was just doing his job after all). He had a partner this time.

So he told me that he saw me take the pictures and that now I had to delete any pictures of Ross Park Mall from my camera. Can he really make me do that? I mean the images are on my camera and my camera is my camera. But, he never saw my camera. I had put my camera under the seat of my car. Instead, I showed him my camera phone and said look – I deleted them. He seemed very skeptical. He said, “No, you had a digital camera.” I looked at him innocently. I flipped my phone around and showed him how it would look like a digital camera from afar. I said this is my only camera. Okay, I was not terribly honest with him but I was equally as suspicious as to the rights he had to my camera. So now I got the mall cop escort out of Ross Park Mall and I was on my way.

Nevertheless, it was a winning day on the FFD. Lost in this dust-up is that I am now being more active with my work. I am out and walking and I really am starting to enjoy it. Maybe the key all along was for me to do things that are not merely tethered to the computer all day? Maybe I need to make exercise and make activity part of my work more often? I agree with that. I am not sure I agree with Ross Park Mall. I have to ask myself now – do my calories belong to Ross Park Mall too?

Creative Idea for Malls: I am a big fan of “rolling with tech.” Nowadays everybody has a some kind of device that can take an image. Malls should be designed with this in mind. A designer should make it a goal that no matter who takes a picture of their mall, it will look good. Perhaps impossible but nonetheless something to consider as a paradigm. Also, malls should clearly post their photo policy. They might also want to set up designated areas for families to snap pictures of kids and friends, etc.

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Yesterday was a winning day on the FFD, but today I didn’t get the points I would have got on the old scoring system. See, I have to beat my average from last week to get a touchdown. If I am within a pound, it is a wash – no points are awarded either way. Today, it was a wash, at least on the scale.

This scoring system changes the dynamic of the diet a little bit. It doesn’t reward daily fluctuations. It sets as your benchmark, your previous weeks average weight. So, on a day, I eat like a pig and the scale says “Holy Cow, you gained 10-pounds” the next morning, then I will not be rewarded for showing a 2-pound loss the next, unless of course, I am once again under that weight average from the week before. I am probably making this sound more complicated than it should.

Nevertheless, my weight did improve today, though I got no points to show it. Until I beat that last week’s average, I have to take what I can get. The interesting thing is that this scoring system makes it possible to loose a pound or two, yet still give up touchdowns. How is that?

Well, just think. If you gained 10 pounds a week ago. Should you really be rewarded at all for losing 3 pounds this week. After a week however, I think it is fair to reset the benchmark and go with the previous week’s average.

Still, no matter what scoring system I used, I am still fat.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – The Fourth of July weekend was great, but I lost the week and the scale shows it. We literally seemed to have something to do every few hours: friends, swimming, visits, movies, birthday parties. In fact, my brother turned 40 and his birthday party was quite fun. The food was plentiful and so was the beer. Along with that came a lot of calories for sure. Still there is hope. I fell this could be the week. I really do.

This new system of scoring the FFD is pretty interesting. I think it is will tend to favor winning streaks but seems to accurately capture if one is being healthy or not.

In case you missed that posting, here is how the new scoring will work: Everyday I beat my average weight from the week before, I get a touchdown. I add a field goal when I exercise. If I don’t beat my weight, I give up a touchdown and if I drink beer, that is a field goal too. Last week—by such measuring—I lost the week. However, it is Monday and a new week beckons. Health beckons.

It should also be noted that last July Fourth was the time when things started spiraling for the worse. That is I started this dreadful march to put on the weight I have now. Now, I need to get it going the other way. Easier said then done, but I must.

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – I am not sure how novel my “Weigh Less” approach to the Football Fan’s Diet is, but it sure worked yesterday. And the proof is in the, ah, pounds: I weigh several pounds less today. Thank you “Weigh Less” Diet – that crazy diet that proposes you weigh less each day and eventually you will weigh just right. Of course it should be noted that what I am really doing is the Football Fan’s Diet. Stupidity is the engine of my creation.

For those of you clicking this blog for the first time: The Football Fan’s Diet is the one diet that God has given to men who love football and drink beer, or at least like to have a frothy brew on occasion. You keep track of progress by awarding touchdowns and field goals for good healthy eating and giving up the same for generally behaving like a pig. What follows is how my day went on the Football Fan’s Diet and a bit of the odd inspiration that seems to result from such silly devotion to a plan that has failed to conjure up the rebel weight (Okay, that was really weird).

I was cavorting all over the North Hills area of Pittsburgh yesterday. Walking, talking, glad-handing folks – it is the sort of work I enjoy. Most importantly, I was out of the house and very active. The job change really has that built into it.

The family came with me to the mall. While I was out canvassing businesses, which came to no fruition because I was not allowed to take any photos inside the mall, my family went shopping. They claimed to want to window shop, but when do you ever go to the mall with kids and not spend anything?

We got taken for the most at Build-A-Bear.

Build-A-Bear. What a clever concept. A kid picks up a skin of a teddy bear. They pump it full of stuffing. You can get to stick a little fake heart inside it, fill out a birth certificate, and then pick out a bunch of accessories for your bear. At this point, dad must break out the wallet. Can you imagine the money to be had for a “Build-A-Beer” concept? That is right: build a beer! Maybe I should scrap the Football Fan’s Diet and work on that sudsy idea.

At “Build-A-Beer” you get to sit at a table with a bunch of other football loving slobs and pick ingredients for your own batch of microbrew. You can ever give it a name. Pick out the bottles or jug. Decide if you want it to be a dark beer or light. Give your beer a favorite football team. Come up with a logo for your beer. Maybe even create a commercial for it. Then you pound it and your beer and money are gone.

Dare I dream. Instead, I will focus on one thing today and that is to simply “weigh less” tomorrow than I do as I write this. That sounds easy enough. Nevertheless, it is Friday, the Fourth of July weekend beckons and there is much to do, many hands to shake, many glasses to fill, places to go and lastly, there will be fireworks. The best thing about Fireworks – no calories! Now, does anybody have the number to the patent office. I have to look into this Build-A-Beer idea.

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Today I would like to focus on a technique I am experimenting with: visualizing that my unhealthy habits are now good ones. Will that work? Can that help me change my unhealthy eating habits? Can I use that on this “Weigh Less” diet.

I didn’t eat like a pig yesterday, but darn near came close to dipping my snout in the caloric trough. I was healthy all day, that is I was within my goal of eating several small healthy meals – something I am calling the “Weigh Less Diet.” Nevertheless, when the moon came up, I had some unneeded chips and salsa. Oh, we had KFC yesterday for dinner… Ouch! Somehow, today, I registered at the same weight I was the day before – that was a victory for the “Weigh Less” Diet.

On the new Weigh Less Diet I am going on the obnoxiously newfangled notion that to loose weight each day you should “weigh less” each day. Can I invent some diet pills? Can I write a book? Can I create a spreadsheet and sell it to you? Maybe I need to come up with some Acacia Berry formula that can help you “weigh less” by blowing out your bowels on the hour? Perhaps I can convince you to change your unhealthy habits by learning to not only say “no” to unhealthy foods but by taking a giant dump in your refrigerator? That is right – visualize that for a second. While you are at – take a dump in your hand and toss that in your bowl of Wheaties (Okay, please, don’t do any of this for real, just visualize that you did). How do you like those Wheaties now?

Can visualization change your unhealthy eating habits?

Ah, we have all heard the expression, “Who pinched a loaf (or insert your teenage defecation term here) in your Wheaties?” – a self-evident colloquialism describing a person in a particularly foul mood. Sure, but maybe there is some brilliant wisdom in that phrase?

Maybe you should actually take a giant number two on your dinner plate of food. In fact, using the power of visualization, perhaps thinking of a giant number two next to your hamburger, might be the repulsive key to get you to reach for that apple. While you’re at it, take a pee in your Pepsi!

It could be that I’ve gone diet crazy now. I will just about try anything to get healthy for real. I do know that eventually I am going to get tired of mediocre results and I will want to kick this thing into high gear. I am waiting for that happen.

Will it happen today? Maybe I can achieve success by using the power of visualization. From sweet to stink, the smell of success could be altered forever by visualization.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – This is Matt’s coach here and I have to say that this fat sack of blubber and guts had an awful eek last week, which was indicative of his lackluster, ho-hum attitude toward getting healthy. He has a loser’s mentality. This is not going to be an easy thing to change.

Let us review last week’s score. He got killed on Monday, Tuesday and Wed. Thursday and somehow Friday, he managed to win, only to loose again on Saturday and Sunday. The final score was Matt 20 – his Inner Fat Slob 38. But, he is not pressing the “reset button on the season” again as a brackish owner might do. No, I commend him for going through with this whole season. Come hell or high water, he is going to see this season through to the end.

When what you do is consistently loose, you need to change something. This week I petitioned the Football Fan’s Diet Commissioner for a rule change: No calorie counting. This fat slob is too lazy to do that with any regularity. Instead, we are after results and we will let Matt’s creative mind work on achieving them. Let us consider this rule change.

• Touchdown on any day weight goes down at least 1 pound.
• Field goal on any day Matt exercises
• Gives up a touchdown on any day he gains at least 1 pound
• Gives up a field goal on any day he swigs a brew.

Simple right? Well, there will be a chance to score at the end of the week too.

If at the end of the week, a net loss is shown from the week before, then a touchdown is scored. Conversely, if a gain is showed, then a touchdown is given up.

The idea behind the last rule is to reward a weekly loss, which might be somewhat diluted in the day-to-day fluctuations of trying not to eat like a fat pig. I don’t know what else to do for this guy? This is my effort to see if I can correct these preseason problems. The rules are not designed to make it easier to do, but to easier, perhaps more interesting, to jump start what is an anemic start to this season.

By Matt De Reno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – What can I say? The first day had every intention of going great, but ultimately in the end, I blew it. I almost had it. I almost had a winning day. But, I can keep telling myself that there is some form of healthy eating that includes fitting in a “Blast.” Do you know how many calories are in a Blast? Like over a 1000.

So now I must get it right today. I must remember that it is all about calories. I must remember that I have to watch what goes in this body of mine.

I also have to get into gear in terms of my new job. Well, at least I got some gear. That is I got a new Dell Inspiron Netbook. It is small, lightweight and highly portable. Hmm. Were it that I could be described in the same manner.

By Matt DeReno
On The FFD

PITTSBURGH – Sometimes you have to force change and to do that you simply must put yourself in a sink or swim sort of scenario. I believe I did just that with this new career change. This new job will require that I am out and about the local community, visiting and interacting with people at their place of business or community organization.

I won’t let the cat out of the bag on exactly what I will be doing, but it is a writing gig for sure and it will demand I change my lifestyle. Either that or it will demand I find a new line of work. I am committed to the later.

The point is that I will no longer have the luxury of sitting behind my computer all day, working from home, avoiding all forms of physical activity if I so choose to do so.

Therefore, I will embrace this new era. I will change and force myself to adapt the habits of the high energy folk who float about this sort of environment with a certain effortless energy that is most enviable. For now, I must attempt to do that in fat pants. But, change is here. It starts today. It starts now.